


Sleight of Heart

by professionalmomfriend (mothmanwashere)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Affairs, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humanstuck, M/M, Mutual Pining, References to Shakespeare, Smut, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 07:15:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5776498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothmanwashere/pseuds/professionalmomfriend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But love, hate on, for now I know thy mind;<br/>Those that can see thou lov'st, and I am blind."<br/>(Sonnet 149, William Shakespeare)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One - A Wedding Approaches

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to an all-too self-indulgent AU that I wrote as a birthday present to myself
> 
> Have fun.
> 
> actualmomlalonde.tumblr.com

Rose Lalonde studied the card pinned to the wall above her desk with far more apprehension than she would like to admit. The RSVP card had come enclosed along with an invitation to her mother’s wedding, and the RSVP date had come and gone without Rose being able to summon the courage to mark a single attendee and mail the card back to her sister. Because of this, Rose had, this morning, been the recipient of a long, misspelled, and passive-aggressive text message from her mother, demanding of her in no uncertain terms to return the RSVP card immediately, because Roxy was making a family scrapbook to commemorate the wedding and Rose’s RSVP was the only one missing from among her siblings.

  
Rose pulled out a pen and marked the box beside “Yes, I will be attending” and closed her eyes.

  
Really, she should have just done it right away. The only thing keeping her from doing so the day she had received the official invitation was a vain self-preservation tactic that she should have known to stamp out of her mind the moment it entered. Still, despite her 29 years of life and her status as a successful professor of psychology at a reputable university, Rose was unable to shake this apprehension from her mind for one simple reason: she hated the way her mother treated her like the disgrace to the family name whenever she showed up to family events with no date on her arm.

  
It was a stupid and trivial reason, and she hated that she could not overcome such a petty and insignificant insecurity. In no uncertain terms, Rose Lalonde was quite content living on her own and barely entertained the company of men on professional terms, much less romantic, nor had she found any woman who tickled her fancy in quite a long time. The single life was agreeable to Rose, except for those dreaded time when she had to go to family events and sit alongside her sister, happily married these six years, and her brothers, one engaged to his grade-school love and the other bringing at the very least stories of his various conquests for whom he found time to bed in the downtime of his rigorous lifestyle as a Hollywood golden boy.

  
She had always hated being compared to her siblings, but she supposed 29 years of listening to one’s mother do just that to anyone who cared to listen wore on a person. Rose had spent more than one restless night lying in bed, imagining exactly what would happen at her mother’s wedding when she showed up alone. “And this is Rose, our darling recluse. She’s a psychologist. Well, no, she’s a professor, but we love her anyway, don’t we Rosey-dear?”

  
Ugh.

  
Rose hadn’t realized how fiercely she had been scowling at her desk until the professor from the facing office plopped into the chair on the other side of her desk and said “You look like you’re trying to set your desk on fire using only your mind. Something wrong, Lalonde?”

  
Rose schooled her features and looked up at Professor Karkat Vantas, a somewhat recent addition to the humanities faculty. The two of them had struck up a tentative friendship with each other due to their respective reputations as the most disagreeable faculty on campus. Rose found Karkat to be an upstanding man, whose only real fault was perhaps being a bit too vehement in his love for Shakespeare.  Rose could see how most people got “disagreeable” out of “passionate”, due to his rather creative and colorful vocabulary. He reminded her a bit of her twin brother in that respect.

  
“My apologies, Mr. Vantas. My mind was elsewhere. I didn’t realize it showed.”

  
“Attempted arson aside, you’re not as hard to read as you think. Come on. I’m no therapist but sometimes you just need a goddamned rant to clear your head.”

  
Rose settled back in her chair and leveled her co-worker with a stare through which she tried to convey that he had no idea what he was getting himself into with such statements. “My mother is infuriatingly partial toward my siblings’ success and disregards mine at every turn. She also is very vocally adamant in her desire for more grandchildren, and she finds me to be, somehow, the best candidate for such among her four, healthy offspring.”

  
Karkat scoffed. “Okay, I thought it was going to be something serious.”

  
Rose raised a brow. “See if I open up to you again.”

  
“Not like that. God. I meant... family troubles are another thing entirely. I’m still all ears. I really can’t fault you for hating your family, because I come from a long line of retired mafia members. I have nine-one-one on speed-dial because no one in my family believes in keeping the safety on their firearms.”

  
“Sounds thrilling.”

  
“You can only go to the hospital with a bullet wound so many times before people start to get suspicious. My dad is on a first-name basis with the ER staff.”

  
“Well, my family isn’t near so quick on the draw. At least not with firearms.”

  
“You’re not your mom’s favorite. So what?”

  
“Excellent question. One that I wish I could answer myself. Mostly I dread going home next month by myself because I know she will do everything in her power to set me up with as many eligible bachelors as she possibly can. It happens every time.”

  
“Then don’t.”

  
“I can’t not go, Karkat. I’m not only a bridesmaid but I am her daughter.”

  
“Jesus, not what I meant. Of course you have to go, but just don’t go alone.”

  
“Ahh yes. What an excellent idea that never occurred to me. Allow me a moment to ring one of my dozens of potential suitors, all of whom are hanging upon my every whim, waiting for the opportunity to ravish me at my signal.”

  
“Jesus fucking Christ, Rose. I didn’t ask for a smart-ass response.”

  
“That’s just who I am, Karkat.”

  
“Maybe, but you don’t have to remind everyone every thirty seconds.”

  
“If I don’t meet my hourly quota, I lose ten IQ points.”

  
“Do you want my fucking help or not, Lalonde?”

  
Rose bowed her head, conceding the floor to Karkat.

  
“From what I’m gathering, all you need is someone to go to the wedding with you and keep your mom off your back. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to have someone who doesn’t mind talking you up, if what you said about her favoring your siblings is true.”

  
“You make it sound so simple. As I said, Karkat, I don’t exactly have any prospects. Besides, even if I did, I could hardly find it in my conscience to subject them to an entire week in a house where my entire family will be gathered together.”

  
“Why not?”

  
“My mother is a brilliant and intimidating woman who either loves people or detests them with no in between, whilst leaving absolutely no room for them to prove themselves the opposite. Her judgment is made within the first thirty seconds, and is very much a crap-shoot as to which one it will be.”

  
“That doesn’t sound nearly as bad as you think it does.”

  
“I wasn’t finished.”

  
“I was afraid of that.”

  
“Dirk does not and will not give two shits whether or not I come home with anyone, but should they not make an excellent first impression, he will not refrain from engaging them in as many pointless arguments as he can manufacture, which in all likelihood will be rap based. Assuming my theoretical escort can put aside any dislike radiating from my eldest brother, they would then have to encounter my sister.

  
“Roxy would give them the benefit of the doubt because she is inarguably the most wholesome and kind soul out of all of us. It’s why she makes a wonderful nurse, and what makes me question my certainty of a blood relation, despite the strong resemblance. Roxy will, however, do her prying in far more gentle and subtle ways, and after a sufficient amount of snooping, announce her judgment to me in confidence. Repeatedly. Trust me when I say that if I brought home the wrong person, she would not hesitate in attempting to split us up as quickly and decisively as possible. Dave, in contrast, will immediately treat them like a member of the family.”

  
“That’s nice.”

  
“No, it isn’t.”

  
“You… don’t… want to be treated like family?”

  
“Oh god no. My family is relentless, Mr. Vantas. There is no end to the jokes, sarcastic comments, casual rapping, and other such inane stupidity. Those who have successfully joined our ranks, i.e. the Egbert-Harleys, who have proven thus far to be the only sentient beings capable of penetrating the insufferable barrier we Lalondes have placed around our family, have been forced to build up a tolerance for not being entirely in on any of the jokes, and have learned to expect quite literally anything. We have quite a range of occupations, but all possess blinding wit, not to brag.”

  
“…”

  
“In short, we’re a bunch of assholes.”

  
“Assholery goes two ways.”

  
Rose chuckled. “True, but my family is on another level. Are you familiar with the Drunk Scientist?”

  
“Vaguely.”

  
“She wrote a widely accepted dissertation and several subsequent books on a particular scientific phenomenon pertaining to the effect of alcohol on different people based on their level of various pheromones at the time of consumption. She was smashed at the time and no one took it seriously -- at first.  In time, her hypotheses have actually proven surprisingly accurate and while one or two have been disproved, most of them still stand.”

  
“Right.”

  
“That is my mother.”

  
“Holy fuck.”

  
“My thoughts exactly. In the same vein, have you heard of either Dirk or Dave Strider?”

  
“Who doesn’t know Dave Strider? He’s only the most famous man in Hollywood this decade. Don’t fucking tell me you’re related to goddamned Dave Strider.”

  
“My twin brother.”

  
“Holy mother of Zeus, is your family made entirely up of famous assholes?”

  
“Almost exclusively. My eldest brother is a robotics genius and self-made millionaire. My sister is far from famous but does excel in her chosen field while at the same time proving an excellent mother to two young children. In sum, not only would I have to find an escort who can keep their head while subjected to the well-meaning intentions of my meddling family, but I must find one who won’t spill all my family’s secrets to the media for five minutes of fame and a bundle of cash. Also, I have less than a month.”

  
“Good thing I work cheap.”

  
“Excuse me?”

  
Karkat rolled his eyes. “Obviously, I’m the one you need. It’s not even a question. Fake romantic backstory? I can shit that out in my sleep. Dealing with assholes? Years of experience. Consistent answers to incessant and probably stupid questions? I’m a professor, Rose, I do that for a living. I have the added bonus of not giving two fucks about fame or fortune, because, again, I spend my days pounding twenty-year-olds over the head with a paperback of _King Richard II_  and teaching them how to write a paper they can get a passing grade on. I’m obviously not in it for the money or recognition.”

  
The idea took root in Rose’s brain as she raced through the possibilities. Karkat really would be a good date for the week. Not only was he intelligent enough to match her family, but he too was a self-professed and time-proven asshole. Rose had seen firsthand how he handled his arguments earlier this semester against the state system representatives and came away from the meeting with funding for his program actually increased in the face of severe budget cuts. It was almost too good to be true.  “You know I’m not looking for a real relationship, right?”

  
“You’re not my type,” Karkat replied brusquely. “I just fucking love weddings, and you need a date to one to keep your mom from ragging on you. It’s a mutually beneficial situation.”

  
“You’re certain you’re up for a whole week with my family? One of my sister’s ex-boyfriends was still in therapy last I heard.”

  
“Bring it on, Lalonde. I look forward to meeting a family who has the potential to beat my own in the douchery department.”

  
“In that case…” Rose leaned across her desk and gazed into Karkat’s eyes. “Karkat Vantas, will you be my pretend boyfriend?”

  
“Thought you’d never ask,” Karkat said, reaching under Rose’s arm to grab the RSVP card. He produced a pen from his jacket pocket and checked the plus one box. “Now sit your ass down and tell me everything there is to know about your family.”


	2. Chapter Two - Monday

_Five days to the Wedding_

“We’re clear on the plan, Kan?”

“Yes, Dave, the plan is crystal.”

“Let’s go through it one more time.”

The woman in the passenger seat sighed and turned her head to look at her companion.  “We spent the entire flight reading the ‘script’ you wrote for this week.  I will say it again once more before we arrive, Dave: if you wanted a performance, you should have brought an actor.”

“Don’t think I didn’t ask,” the blond behind the wheel returned, flicking on the blinker to turn off the highway toward the small community of Rainbow Falls, New York.  “I needed someone more convincing than the bimbos I usually bring, and Donny had plans.”

“You didn’t ask Ben?” Kanaya asked with a light smirk.

“Let’s not get into that at the moment.  For all intents and purposes, you’re all I’ve got, Kanaya.  I don’t care if you go off script.  You could perform Wagner’s _Ring_ in its entirety while standing nude on the dining room table for all I give a shit, so long as you can convince my mom that you’re reigning me in.”

“I promise I shan’t fail you, Dave.  And neither shall I be performing any operas, nude or otherwise.”

“Just gimme the goddamned rundown, Maryam, we’re almost there.”

Dave Lalonde glanced over at the woman accompanying him.  If there was anyone capable of running a long-term ruse of a committed relationship in front of his parents, it was her.  He lucked out even to get her here with him, so he really wasn’t about to fire her.  Dave had known Kanaya Maryam for the majority of his time in Hollywood, having met her on the set of his first Hollywood film – _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff: The Moive_.  Kanaya detested his movies and his entire artistic style from the start, but the two of them managed to remain good friends despite this.  After refusing to return to the SBaHJ costuming team for a second movie, Kanaya instead became something of Dave’s personal stylist.  For the premier of _SBaHJ: The Movovie_ , she made an amazing red ballgown made of some sheer red fabric that allowed Dave’s nipples perfect exposure to the red carpet photographers.  From that moment, Dave had decided never to hire anyone but Kanaya to make his clothes, and in all honesty, the few times Kanaya had let Dave dress himself had wound up an embarrassment to all involved. 

Kanaya is the best there is at what she does, and she does it while looking stylish and put-together literally 100 percent of the time.  She keeps Dave sane during insanely trying periods of his life, never missing a step and bearing gorgeous, original clothing to boot.  Kanaya, Dave had to admit, was his best friend in his Hollywood crowd, so of course he wanted her to keep him company during a whole week with his family.  The only kink in his plan was the part where he had to convince her to pose as his girlfriend, which had taken much more coercing than he had anticipated – and he had anticipated a lot. 

But his dedication was in the effort to upgrade his “bullshit my family” game.  He’d been bringing home fake dates for the better part of three years now, whenever he had to go home and visit his mother.  Unfortunately, his mother was getting tired of seeing a different girl every time Dave came home, and in the past few months, had started riding him about “being too accustomed to the bachelor life” and “needing to settle down”.  That was why he couldn’t hire some unsuspecting Hollywood hopeful to pose as his girlfriend in return for a speaking part in a film this week.  Kanaya was a friend, and she was already linked to him in the press.  People knew they were friends, and so Dave hoped he’d be able to convince his mom that this was going to be a long-term relationship.  Kanaya’s purpose was to show Dave’s mom that he had been domesticated.  He really hoped they’d be able to pull it off.

Kanaya straightened her shoulders and sighed again, louder.  “We began dating last year after you consulted on the set of the film I was working on.  You’ve been keeping it low-profile to avoid the paparazzi.  For my sake, of course, because anyone who has ever met you know how much you love to egg on the photojournalists.  You have also refrained from discussing me with your family on account of you being, quote, uncertain how long you’d be able to hold down a ten like me, unquote.”

“Perfect.  Now do it with less overwhelming sarcasm.”

Kanaya pulled a compact out of her purse and set to checking her makeup, deliberately ignoring Dave.  Her short, dark hair was perfectly coifed, and her makeup was still flawless, but she dabbed at her winged eyeliner with a delicate pinky polished in jade green.

“Damn, I hope Rose hasn’t read the dictionary recently.”

“Come again?”

“There’s a picture of you in the dictionary beside the definition of ‘Lipstick Lesbian’.  We’ll be D.O.A. if Rose recognizes you.”  Kanaya raised a delicate middle finger in Dave’s direction and he cackled.  “That’s what I like to see, sweetheart.”

“Never call me ‘sweetheart’ again, Dave.  I do have a small question, though.”

“Go for it.”

“Do you think they will like me?”

“They’ll probably like you better than they like me to be fucking honest with you.”

Kanaya’s lips turned up at the corners.  “As they should.”

“Thanks, Kan.”

“Anytime, Dave.”

“Well, we’re here.  Ready for this?”

“Ready as I can be.”

“That makes one of us.”

“Not reassuring.”

“Wasn’t trying to be.”

Dave slid out of the mid-size SUV and waited for Kanaya to join him.  He casually glanced down at the towering pair of high heels she was wearing.  “I told you not to wear those.”

“I do not seem to recall asking your opinion, darling,” Kanaya replied, her voice smooth and composed.

Dave chuckled and led the way up to the front door.  The butler answered but was quickly shoved out of the way by 200 pounds of overenthusiastic Korean man sprinting through the doorway.  Dave had just enough time to step clear of Kanaya before he was tackled off the front step and onto the lawn by his childhood best friend.

“God, John, I thought you outgrew literally tackling me to the ground when we were in, like, third grade.”

“Nice to see you too, dude.”  John pushed himself off the ground and offered Dave a hand.  John pulled Dave off the ground and laughed as Dave brushed dirt and grass off his pants and out of his hair.  Kanaya, meanwhile, remained on the porch, watching in amusement.  Dave flicked her off and her grin widened.  “Oh god, sorry,” John said, noticing Kanaya for the first time.  “I’m John, Dave’s brother-in-law.”

“Kanaya Maryam.  Pleased to meet you.”

John beamed and ushered both Dave and Kanaya inside.  “Everyone’s in the living room.”

“But dude, level with me.”  Dave placed his hands on John’s shoulders and stared at him in earnest.  “How are you doing?  On Saturday, you will officially be married to your own sister.”

John shoved Dave away.  “Dude, we wanted my dad to marry your mom so bad when we were kids.  It’s not that weird.”

“That was before you married my sister, man.”

John made the same face at Dave that he had made just about every time they saw each other since they were thirteen years old, and Dave grinned with the knowledge that some things never changed.  “They’re happy, so piss off.  Come say hi.”

The butler, who had regained his composure after being bowled out of the way by John, asked Dave if he would like the bags brought inside.  Dave handed him the keys and instructed him to leave them on the bed when he was finished.  “I’ll do it, Arty,” John said, intercepting the keys from Arthour.  “They’ll probably want a couple minutes with you, anyway.  Be right back, dude.”

John left and Arthour headed down the stairs to the basement, leaving Dave and Kanaya alone in the hall.  Dave exchanged a look with Kanaya and headed down the hall.  As it turned out, Roxy was pacing the hallway outside the living room with her six-month-old asleep against her shoulder.  Her face lit up when she spied the approaching couple.  “Davey!” she exclaimed in a hushed tone, so as not to wake her slumbering son. 

Dave came close and hugged her carefully, taking care not to jostle the baby. “Hey Rox.  How’s Cal doin’ today?”

“He’s teething,” Roxy said, her face pained.  “Fortunately, he’s finally asleep and can’t scream anymore.”  Roxy jerked her head toward the doorway, signaling them to go inside.  In the living room, they found Dave’s mother seated on the couch, a martini in one hand and a story book in the other.  John’s father sat in the leather chair with Roxy’s three-year-old, Calliope, in his lap, as Mom read the book aloud to her.  Calliope noticed the newcomers immediately and the resemblance to her mother was strong as she squealed happily and squirmed her way off of Mr. Egbert’s lap and ran to Dave as fast as her chubby little legs could carry her.  She flung her arms around Dave’s legs and screamed “Unca Dave!”

He peeled her away laughing and hoisted her up into his arms.  “Oh, look at you, Princess.  You are getting so big.”

“I’m free now,” she said and held up three fingers.

“Hell yeah you are.  You’ll be driving in no time.”

“Dave,” Roxy said sharply from the doorway.  “Don’t even say things like that.  You’ll jinx it.”

Dave bounced Calliope in his arms as his mother made her way across the room and wraps him in a hug.  “Davey.  It’s so good to see you, darling.”

“Hi Mom,” Dave said, passing Calliope to her grandmother.  “Hey Mr. Egbert.”

“You’re looking well, David,” Mr. Egbert said, shaking Dave’s hand heartily.  “And who is this with you?”

“This must be yet another young woman we’ve heard absolutely nothing about,” Mom said to Calliope, who was oblivious to the passive-aggressive undertones in the statement because she was three.

“This is Kanaya,” Dave said by way of introduction.  “Kanaya, this is everyone.”

Kanaya bowed her head gracefully.  Dave saw Roxy lift an eyebrow in what he assumed what approval.  Mr. Egbert was the first to respond to Kanaya, though, moving to shake her hand even as she spoke.  “It is very good to meet you, my dear.  I am James Egbert.  You may call me James, or Dad.  This is my fiancée, Roxanne.”

“Thank you, James,” Kanaya said.  “It’s wonderful to finally meet you both.

“What is your accent, if you don’t mind me asking?” Mr. Egbert continued.  “Are you from England?”

“I am,” Kanaya replied, “but I’m afraid my accent is a bit more muddled than that.  I was born and raised in Cyprus, and when I was thirteen, my mother and I moved to London.  Most of my work is based somewhere between Paris and London.”

“It’s sophisticated,” Roxy complimented.  “I’m Roxy, by the way.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Kanaya responded.  “Your children are precious.”

Roxy giggled softly.  “Once Cal wakes up and starts screaming, you might change your mind.  But thanks.”

“Is Arthour bringing the bags in?” Roxanne asked, turning to look out the window.

“John was,” Dave answered.  “Arthour headed downstairs.”

“I wonder if Aradia has started dinner yet,” Ms. Lalonde mused.  “Well, anyway.  I had Aradia set the two of you up in your old bedroom, Dave.  I’ll show yo.”

“Gamma no!” Calliope said, tugging at her grandmother’s blouse.  “We gotta finish our story with Papa.”

“We got it, Mom,” Dave assured his mother.  She looked unhappy, but quickly schooled it for Callie’s sake and returned to the couch with her granddaughter.

“I’ll come with you,” Roxy said.  “I was going to put Caliborn in his crib anyway.”

Roxy led the way up the winding staircase that took the trio up to the second floor.  Dave watched Kanaya as she looked around, taking in the admittedly excessive abode.  “Whaddaya think, babe?”

Kanaya leveled Dave with a look that told him he shouldn’t use that name again if he was fond of any of his extremities.  “It’s a bit…”

“Overwhelming?” Roxy offered.

“I was going to say big,” Kanaya said, eliciting a laugh from Roxy.

“You’re not wrong.  It was a pretty nice house to grow up in, though.  Could have done without a few of the chandeliers, though.”

“Hey, Dirk and I only broke three of them over the years.”

“But you broke the dining room one twice,” Roxy reminded her brother.

“Once you see it, you’ll realize what an impressive feat of restraint that was,” Dave told Kanaya.

Roxy shook her head and headed toward her bedroom at the other end of the hallway.  As she did, Dave entered the room he’d called his own, at the end of the hall.  Kanaya’s luggage was stacked neatly against the closet, while the contents of Dave’s duffel bag had been strewn across the entire room, including a pair of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff themed boxer-briefs which had been pinned to the ceiling.  “Nice, Egbert,” Dave muttered, and John cracked up somewhere outside the door.  When Roxy returned, sans baby, she whacked him on the shoulder.

“Very mature, babe,” she told her husband, slipping into the groove between his arm and his side with practiced ease.  They high-fived, and Dave rolled his eyes at them.

“My own sister turned against me.”

“I think it was more like sibling rivalry joined forces with your prankster best friend,” John mused, still grinning.

“You’re terrible at pranks, dude,” Dave told his friend.  “Once you switched the Tony Hawk documentary I had in my VHS with your _Con Air_ tape and called that a prank.”

“Classic prank,” John said with a snort.

“Okay, okay, shut up for a sec,” Roxy said.  “I’m dying to know how you two met.”

“We met on the set of Dave’s first movie,” Kanaya answered easily as she pushed aside Dave’s underwear to sit one of her suitcases on the bed.  “I worked costuming for his production.”

“Do you work on all his movies then?”

“Oh heavens no,” Kanaya said quickly.  “His movies are atrocious.”

“Dave, she’s a keeper,” John said.  Dave flipped him off.

“I had very little experience at that time, but it was so successful that nearly everyone who worked on it was suddenly in demand.  I gravitated toward films with a bit more elegance, before moving into fashion design full time.”

“You don’t do movies anymore?” Roxy asked.

“On occasion.  I recently designed the costumes for the film _Clockwork Night_.”

Roxy’s face fell into an O shape.  “The steampunk Vampire romance?  Oh my god, that movie was sooo good!  The costumes _made_ it, those dresses were AMAZING.”

Kanaya smiled proudly.  “Thank you.”

“It was okay,” John said.  “Better than Dave’s movies, though.  Dave’s movies suuuuck,” he drawled.  He and Roxy high five again.

“But he bought me diamonds for my birthday, so we’re going to keep supporting him,” Roxy added with a sweet smile aimed at her brother.

“Y’all don’t understand my message,” Dave complained, but Roxy’s attention is fully focused on Kanaya now and it wouldn’t do anything to argue it with John for the millionth time.  Dave grumbled to himself as he gathered up his clothes and tossed them into a drawer, thinking to himself that this is the reason he never brings real dates home.

 

~~~

 

Rose had to admit that she’d underestimated Karkat’s skill and dedication to their ruse.  It had all been carefully planned, down to the minute, for the last month.  Karkat had written a near novel dedicated to their so-called “backstory”, incorporating mostly true elements with an aspect of romantic intrigue.  Their plans were indubitably cemented well in advance, and Rose had allotted for more than enough time to psych herself up for lying to her family’s faces.

It was all thrown out the window when Jane Egbert-Crocker caught up to them at the car rental line, Rose’s older brother Dirk in tow.  Their flight from Minneapolis had arrived within minutes of the flight which bore Rose and Karkat from Massachusetts, and after a quick round of introductions, Jane had insisted they all share a rental car since they were all going to the same place.  Karkat agreed readily, going with Jane to fill out forms.  Dirk stayed with Rose and gave her a look that she simply knew he was about to explain.

“Something wrong, brother dearest?”

“Karkat, huh.”

“That is, in fact, his name, yes.”

“Doesn’t seem your type.”

“What, pray tell, is my type, Dirk?  It isn’t as if I’ve brought home any specimens with which to compare him.”

Dirk shrugged a shoulder.  “Don’t get defensive.  I didn’t say he was a bad guy.  Seems decent, if a little loud.  Just saying he’s not what I would have pictured.”

Rose pursed her lips and decided to change the subject.  “Where’s Jake?”

“Norway.  He’ll be here closer to the wedding, but he had to wrap an episode first.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen him,” Rose commented.  “In person, rather than on television, anyway.”

“A popular sentiment, but he’s a busy guy.”

“An unfortunate situation,” Rose said.  “But the two of you always seem to find your way back to each other.  I expect this week will be full of interesting twists.”

Dirk lifted a brow.  “Really?”

“Whenever our family is all in one place, as Dave would say, shit tends to go down.”

Dirk chuckled and wrapped an arm around his sister’s shoulders.  “True that, Sis.  True that.”

 

When they arrived at the Lalonde Estate, the four were promptly greeted with a party of excited family members.  Mom and Mr. Egbert fronted the group, wrapping their respective daughters in a tight hug as quickly as they could.  Mom pulled Dirk into her embrace as well, over the sounds of Jane complaining that her dad was hugging too tight.  However, once Jane was released by her father, she was immediately wrapped into an even tighter hug from Roxy.  After Roxy finally passed Jane on to John, Roxy moved on to hug Rose and Dirk at once.  At the end of the line was Dave, with a tall young woman Rose didn’t recognize but assumed to be some sort of Hollywood personality, just based on the pretty face and immaculate self-presentation. 

Dave was eyeing Karkat with similar skepticism, and Rose realized that the same off-guard feeling she’d felt toward seeing him with a date was likely the same experience he was having.  She quickly introduced Karkat to the group at large, and they introduced themselves with a round of handshakes (or hugs, on Roxy’s part).  Rose heard her mother’s voice whisper in her ear “He’s very handsome, Rosie”, so she assumed Karkat had managed to snag the wildcard approval of the Lalonde matriarch.

“Dinner is almost ready,” Mom said, louder, to the assembled group.  “You four will probably want to freshen up, but I expect you all in the dining room in fifteen minutes.”  With that, she swept out of the room with James following closely behind.  Rose cast a look at Karkat, who accepted the signal to follow her out of the room and up the winding staircase.  The others followed as well, but Dirk was headed for his own third-floor bedroom while Roxy and John gravitated toward Jane’s room with her, so Rose and Karkat were left alone in Rose’s old room.

“I didn’t quite plan this part out entirely,” Rose admitted once they were there.  “I don’t mind sharing, as long as you don’t cuddle in your sleep.”

“No guarantees there,” Karkat replied.  “I’m fine on the floor.”

Rose shrugged and seated herself on the edge of the bed.  “Sorry about the change of plans at the airport.  You handled it very well.”

“Improve is a part of story-telling,” Karkat said simply.  “Your brother is weird.”

“Which one?”

“Dirk.  I didn’t get anything out of Dave but his name.  But seriously, what kind of grown-ass man listens to K-Pop?”

“An excellent question, and a superb query of character.”

“Jane’s pretty cool, though.  And her brother is married to your sister?”  Rose nodded.  “And her dad is marrying your mom.”  Another nod.  “That’s kind of romantic, actually.”

“Dave finds the incestual implications rather hilarious, but the rest of us are over it.”

“I’m an English teacher, Rose.  Even if that counted as incest, we’re in the weird part of New York, so I wouldn’t blink twice.”

“I knew there was a reason I brought you with me.”

“What, to disagree with your brother?”

Rose grinned.  “Karkat, if the only thing you do this weekend is knock the wind out of Dave’s sails, it will be all worthwhile.  Trust me, there are few things as amusing as watching him defend his position on any given things.  His movies are a real soft spot, you’ll find.”

“His movies aren’t that bad,” Karkat admitted, pulling a surprised look from Rose.  “No, I mean… they’re terrible.  But if you really consider the story lines behind them, they’re a surprisingly deep critique of political structure and societal expectation.”

“An interesting notion,” Rose said skeptically.  “Though if you tell him that, I’m not sure how he would react.  I’m not sure anyone’s ever complimented his films before.  Knowing Dave, the real purpose is something no one would ever glean from watching them as they are.”

“Rose, I studied literature for seven years of my life.  If I gleaned one thing from that besides thousands of dollars in student loans, it’s that no story is ever to be taken at face value.”

Rose turned thoughtful for a moment before nodding at Karkat’s sentiment.  “Right you are, Mr. Vantas.  Right you are.”

 

~~~

 

Dave liked to think he was the kind of guy who wasn’t phased by much.  In school, he was Dave Lalonde, cool kid.  In his career, Dave Strider been quickly labeled as a hot success, and his knack for staying composed in front of the cameras while at the same time pulling the most unexpected bullshit was part of what had gained him so much fame in such a short time.

In truth, though, staying chill was Dirk’s forte.  The last thing the dude was shaken by was probably his first dirty diaper.  Dave’s brother had been the stronghold of coolness in his life for as long as he could remember, and he emulated Dirk as best he could because all he had ever wanted was to live up to his brother’s reputation.  This was part of the reason Dave had taken the name Strider when he had hit the silver screen, and every time someone called out the name Dave Strider, it was a reminder for Dave to uphold his brother’s name.  But his imitation of Dirk’s signature cool-kid composure was necessary because he did not naturally possess those qualities himself.  The role of unphased younger sibling has somehow passed to Rose, despite the stick up her ass.  Dave pretended, to the best of his abilities, that he was not riddled with anxiety over how people viewed him and that he was actually as cool and collected as he pretended to be, and most of the time was successful enough to convince even himself that he had it together.

When his sister walked in with a stranger on her arm, he could feel that façade slipping.

It wasn’t so much uncool as it was unexpected.  Very unexpected.  Dave and Rose had long ago written off the concept of twin telepathy as complete and utter horseshit and malarkey, and instead credited their frequent ability to seemingly read each other’s minds as a product of their close relationship.  They weren’t kids anymore, but Dave still told Rose almost everything about his life.  He knew that, even when it didn’t seem like it, she was always there and willing to listen.  He had thought Rose felt the same, which was why he felt such a sudden pang of betrayal and hurt in his gut when he saw Rose’s boyfriend standing at her side and hugging their mom with ease.  He wouldn’t have admitted it either, but he was fairly jealous that Rose, who had never displayed interested in dating anyone in her life, had managed to find a boyfriend while Dave was making his best friend pose as his girlfriend just to get his mom off his back.

Dave repeated to himself over and over that he had to be civil to this Karkat guy for Rose’s sake.  Just don’t outright insult him, that’s all.  He wound up not saying much to the guy outside of shaking his hand and telling him his name was Dave.  Once everyone had gone upstairs, Kanaya leaned in close.  “I don’t think your mother likes me.”

“Definitely not.  Wasn’t expecting that, but I’m sure you’ll win her over.”

Kanaya looked uncertain, but her expression quickly changed when she noticed Dave's furrowed brow.  “You seem upset.”

“Shit.”

Kanaya smiled slightly and nudged Dave’s elbow.  “You can’t fool me, Dave.  Is it Rose?”

“I wasn’t expecting her to bring anyone.  I guess I don’t really know how to process it.”

“You brought someone,” Kanaya pointed out, and the guilt took over in Dave’s chest.

“Yeah, but… I dunno.  I thought Rose finally landing a date would be a bit bigger deal and she might tell me ahead of time.  I’ve had more girlfriends than my family can count, so it’s not like you’re anything special.”

“Gee, thanks,” Kanaya said, deadpan.

“I’m sorry, but the truth hurts.”

“Perhaps Rose was tired of being left out,” Kanaya said.  “Roxy’s happily married, Dirk’s fiancé will be here later this week, and you’re the most eligible man in Hollywood.  Rose needs a little happiness, too, Dave.”

With that, Kanaya withdrew to use the powder room before dinner, and Dave tried to balance out the emotions running through his chest.  He ran a hand through his hair and went to his default train of thought for whenever he found himself in this house – contingency plans.  He naturally felt bad for wanting an excuse to leave the house, especially after spending barely an hour with his family, but he knew better than anyone that they were all crazy.  Movie emergency was pretty much his go-to plan since no one in his family ever cared much for the technical aspects of what he did for a living.  If he could get Ben or someone to call him and make up a bullshit excuse, he’d have a prime ticket back to California.  Sorry Mom, have fun banging Mr. Egbert though.

To distract himself, Dave forced himself to get up.  He didn’t really have a destination in mind, but found himself in the dining room.  The family wasn’t there yet, but the butler’s niece was there, setting the table.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”

Aradia looked up from the flatware she was setting out and grinned at Dave.  “Hey you!  How’s it going?”

“Oh you know.  My family’s crazy as usual.”  Dave hugged Aradia, then took the forks out of her hands, helping her set them around the table.  “How are you?  Still dating that computer guy?”

“Sollux?  And yes.  Actually, we’re engaged,” Aradia said, shifting the silverware and holding out her hand for Dave to see the diamond ring on her finger.

“Yooo, congrats dawg.”

“Thanks.  I heard you brought a date too, how’s that going?”

Dave shrugged.  “She’s great.  I dunno how long we’ll last, but she’s amazing.”

“You’re not going to dip out early with some bogus excuse like you did last time are you?” Aradia narrowed her eyes suspiciously at her old friend and Dave rolled his eyes.

“I’ll do my best, Ari.”

“Good.  And hey, if you need to get away from them, I won’t be using the guest house this week.  I’m staying at Sollux’s, because your family is insane, and if I have to be in the same house as them longer than it takes me to cook you all dinner tonight, I’m going to lose it.”  Aradia reached into her pocket and tossed Dave a keyring.  “So try the guesthouse before you board a plane, because if I don’t get to catch up with you at that wedding, I’m going to hunt you down, mister.”

Aradia winked at Dave and headed for the kitchen as the voices of the rest of Dave’s family approached from down the hall.

Over dinner, Dave found himself watching Rose’s boyfriend with an eagle eye.  He checked himself when he decided it was at the point of staring, but Karkat was undoubtedly the focus of Dave’s attention that evening.  From the discussion around them, Dave gleaned that Karkat was Puerto-Rican, but had grown up in Jersey, and was a professor at the same school as Rose in Massachusetts.  He must have been a bit taller than Rose, because they look to be the same height, but Karkat slouched where Rose had long ago replaced her spine with a steel beam.  Karkat was broad, though, and at one point Dave found himself wondering if Karkat wore those professor-y tweed jackets, because if he did, he probably filled it out nicely.  That was the point where Dave decided it was time to focus on wine and not on his sister’s surprisingly sexy boyfriend.

After spending a little time in his presence, Dave really wasn’t surprised that Rose had landed a guy like that.  Intellectual types tend to stick together, and while Karkat definitely did not have the same stick up his ass that Rose did, he was off-kilter in a few ways that seemed to balance Rose out.

“So Karkat, you and Rose met at school, but how did you end up dating?” Someone asked at some point, and Dave decided it was probably safe to look back up from his plate.

Karkat grinned over at Rose and Dave forced himself not to attribute the feeling in his stomach to that smile.  It was probably just the garlic not agreeing with him.  Yeah.  “In all honesty, we came together in a somewhat unconventional manner.”

Rose smirked back at Karkat and lifted her glass to her lips.  “Everyone told us we were the two most disliked professors on campus, so we decided to make a show of it.”

“Really, we did start dating as an excuse to show everyone else that we weren’t complete tyrants in every aspect of our lives, but it wound up working in our favor.”  Karkat grasped Rose’s hand along the edge of the table and Dave looked away.  Kanaya looked at him with concern, but Dave just shook his head.

“By the way, Dirk,” Mom said around her wine glass, “When is Jake getting in?”

“Tuesday,” Dirk said.  “He’s wrapping on an episode in Oslo, but he says he wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world.”

Mom smiled happily and looked up at James like she’d never been more content in her life.  This is the moment when Dave considered how unhappy he was with his lifestyle.  He never thought he would say those words in his life because he loved Hollywood and everything he’d done in the time since he’d moved to California.  But… seeing your family around the table, happily paired off, made him wish he had someone he could see himself marrying.  Kanaya was a lie, obviously, because Dave hadn’t had a serious girlfriend since Terezi, and that had been a good five years ago.  Why couldn’t he find what they all had?

Dave was finally pulled out of his thoughts when Aradia brought out dessert, and Dirk said, “Give us the DL on your new blockbuster, bro.”

Kanaya groaned as Dave sat up straighter, wiping his mouth with a napkin.  “I’m so glad you asked.   _The Movle_ has got to be my favorite of all the films I’ve done, if we’re being honest.  Not to spoil anything, but… the climax contains some stunning resolutions to a series of dilemmas that have absolutely nothing to do with what we just saw in the film, and they all are caused by Jeff’s stunning lack of simple motor functions and Bro’s constant flatulence.”

“Sick.”

“You know it, dude.  At the moment, I’m thinking we’re going to need to do pickups on the last few scenes, because they’re just not cutting it.  I promised Stiller and Wilson a redraft of the ending by Monday, but what I’m really looking forward to is editing the very last scene of the movie.  I’m picturing oversaturated, low-quality footage of Tony Hawk doing grinds while the credits roll.  Spoiler alert: the credits contain not a single word which isn’t ‘fuck’.”

Dirk leaned forward to high five Dave from the other side of Kanaya, while Rose buried her face in her hand.  “I cannot comprehend how your films are so successful despite their horrendous lack of reasonable plot and coherent dialogue.”

“The people love the shitpost film, Rose, what can I say?”

“Can I ask you a question?” Karkat asked, and Dave’s surprised enough by the query to agree.  “In _The The Film_ , the ending was famously never resolved.  Are you going to tie that back in the sequel?”

“You didn’t even finish the movie, baby?” Dave’s mom asked.  “That’s shoddy craftsmanship.”

“Do you even watch the films I make for a living, Mom? Of course I didn’t finish it, and while the dilemma faced by the protagonists in the last installment will have had its effects on their lives by the new film, to answer your question: no, you never find out what happened.”

“How did you even come up with that ending?”

“If you’d seen any of my press releases, you’d know.”

“If you watch _all_ the press releases, you discover that exactly nine reporters asked you the same question and you gave each of them a different answer.  One time you just started rapping in French.”

“That, surprisingly, was the closest to the truth.”

“Just tell him, Dave,” Mom hiccupped.  “He seems like he knows more about your movies than anyone in the room.  ‘Cept Dirk, maybe.”

“I’m only invested because the irony levels are through the roof bananas, and I know he got that all from me.”

“The ending is the best-kept secret in the history of cinema,” Dave argued.  “I can’t just go blabbing state secrets to any common man.”

“Fuck you too, bro.”

“No offense.”

“Offense taken.”

“Sweet.  Anyway.  I’m due to conference in the other producers in…” Dave checked his watch.  “Five minutes, so I’m gonna head outside.  But if you’re really that interested, I may or may not have the rough footage on my laptop as I work on editing the opening sequence, so I could potentially hook you up.”

“Bro, is it even a question?” Dirk asked, and Dave waggled his brows before standing and heading outside.

 

When Dave had finished his business call, he had a quick cigarette, then returned inside.  He had barely made it through the door before he was cornered by Jane and pulled into the library.  “Wow, Jane, I wasn’t expecting you to be the one to initiate the quicky in a dark room, but I ain’t even mad.”

Jane flicked on the light and shut the door behind her before turning to stare at Dave with narrowed eyes.  “You have a secret.”

Dave crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall.  “I have lots of secrets, Crocker.  I’m a grown-ass man under the constant scrutiny of the public eye.  Can’t leave everything hanging out there in the open.  You should know the value of a good, supportive brassier.”

“Cut the crap, buster.  I’ve spent enough time around you Lalondes to know when you’re hiding something.”

“You caught me.  I’m working on a new screenplay, outside of the _SBaHJ_ canon but surprisingly enough, loosely related.  It’s a heartwarming tale about a young squirrel who learns to rap by watching street performers on the streets of L.A., and—”

“Bull. Shit.”  Jane continued to stare Dave down, her face the picture of a woman who takes no shit.  “You and Kanaya aren’t together.”

Dave scoffed.  “Whaaaat?  Crocker, you’re...”  The look on Jane’s face morphed into self-satisfaction and Dave’s shoulders fell.  “How did you find out?  Please, GOD, tell me she told you, because if the rest of the family finds out I am so goddamned fucked it’ll be pornworthy.”

“Calm down, Dave, no one told me.  I just dated you for long enough to know that she’s way too high class for you, and you haven’t made a single innuendo about any of her body parts since you got here.”

“That was in her conditions,” Dave sighed.  “Knew I shouldn’t have budged.”

“Why are you pretending to have a girlfriend?” Jane asked in a hushed whisper.

Dave let out a deep sigh and cracked open the door to make sure no one was listening.  “All right, I’ll tell you, but you cannot out us, Jane, I am begging you.”

“Of course, Dave.”

Dave dragged a hand through his platinum hair.  “I’ve been bringing home fake dates for years now, but my mom has started riding my ass about being ‘too accustomed to single life’ or some B.S. because it’s never the same girl twice.”

“I’m not surprised really, consider how avidly she reads tabloids,” Jane said.  “You’re affiliated with almost every pretty young thing in Hollywood.”

Dave smirked.  “Hell yeah I am.  But I didn’t even sleep with most of those girls.”

“That’s a relief.”

“I’ve been way more into dudes lately, anyway.”

“Wow.”

Dave shrugged.  “Bisexuality is a heavy cross to bear, but someone’s got to.  I haven’t even been that lowkey about it, but since I don’t really initiate makeout sessions in public, no one’s caught on.”

“Back to why you brought a fake girlfriend to your mom’s wedding?”

“Right.  Kanaya’s a friend of mine who has a big enough career to justify not bringing every time, but who still might agree to come back if she doesn’t find y’all as crazy as you actually are.  I just wanted to get her off my back.  You know how she is, Jane, I know she’s been hinting at you, too.”

Jane lifted a shoulder.  “True, but that’s my business and none of hers.”

“If only it were that easy,” Dave muttered.  “But anyway.  Kanaya’s pretty much my last resort.  I thought I could impress my mom and get her to stop ragging on me about settling down.  Kanaya’s not even into dudes, but she’s unshakable.”

Jane shook her head at her incorrigible ex-boyfriend/soon-to-be step-brother.

“Now you know my secret, Jane, and you have to pinky swear that you won’t tell anyone.”  Dave held out the aforementioned digit, and Jane latched hers around it.

“Pinky swear,” she repeated, sealing the oath.

Dave let out a relieved sigh and stepped forward to drape an arm around Jane’s shoulders.  “It’s pretty good to have you on my side, though, Crocks.”

Jane wrinkled her nose in a smile.  “Always, Dave.”


	3. Chapter Three - Tuesday

_Four Days to the Wedding_

The next morning, Rose dressed herself and went down for breakfast.  There, she found her mother and Mr. Egbert seated at the breakfast bar in the kitchen.  “Good morning, Mother.  Mr. Egbert,” Rose said as she began examining the cupboards for something to eat.

“Good morning, Rose,” Mr. Egbert called from behind his newspaper.  He was smoking his morning pipe, and strange as it seemed, the smell was comforting.  The domesticity displayed by this couple put Rose at ease for her mother’s future.  Her children may have been scattered across the country, but at least she had James.

“Is Karkat up?” Mom asked, glancing at the doorway behind Rose.

“No, he prefers to sleep in.”

“Ahh.”  Ms. Lalonde smiled at her daughter and set the book she was reading on the counter.  “I like that boy, you know.  You found quite a good one.”

“Thank you, Mother.”

“I’m not entirely sold on Dave’s little girlfriend, though,” she continues, twisting her face into a frown.  “There’s something about her.  She’s too good for him, and I worry.  He’s so high profile, you know.”

“I know.”

“I mean, she’s a lovely girl, I’m sure, I just don’t know if she’s right for our Davey.”

“Dave’s a big boy, Mother, I’m sure he’s capable of making his own decisions.”

“Rose, the last time I left your brother to make his own decisions, he started a web comic.”

“A web comic that has since become a record-breaking franchise rivaled only by Star Wars.”

“He always did hate George Lucas,” Mom recalled, and Rose busied herself unwrapping a cereal bar.  “Anyway.  I’m going to go put my face on before anyone else wakes up.”  She rose from her seat and kissed James on the cheek before heading upstairs.  When she had gone, James put down his newspaper and smiled at Rose.

“It means a lot to her that you all came this week,” he told Rose.  “You could have just come for the wedding, but you came early.  She misses you all terribly.”

“I know,” Rose said, glancing at the doorway where her mother had disappeared.  “I felt bad about not making it for Christmas, so I knew I had to make it up to her now.”

“You didn’t have to,” James corrected.  “You’re all adults with your own busy lives.  She’s very proud of you, you know.”

“Dirk, Dave, and Roxy, maybe.  Not me.  I’ve never accomplished anything worth taking pride in.”

“On the contrary, my dear.  You have a PhD.  You’re a brilliant professor at a good school, and Roxy tells me you’re writing a book?”

Rose coughed, nearly choking on her breakfast in the surprise that Mr. Egbert knew about her book.  “She told you about that?” Rose asked once she’d cleared her throat.

“Not much,” Mr. Egbert reassured her, coming around the counter to stand beside Rose.  “Just that you were.  What is it about, if I might ask?”

“It’s silly really,” Rose responded, pushing her hair behind her ears.  “Just something I work on in my spare time.”

“Well, I will tell you the same thing I’ve told John and Jane all their lives.  If you ever decide to share it with the world, just know I would be honored to read whatever it is you’ve deemed worthy to write down, because whatever it is must be extra special to you.”  Mr. Egbert kissed the top of Rose’s head in such a fatherly way that she had to close her eyes and will herself not to cry.  Even after he left the room, Rose stood there until well after she felt she’d composed herself, thinking about how lucky her mother was to be marrying such a good man, and how fortunate Rose herself was that this man considered her like his own daughter.

 

Jane, Roxy, Jade, and Kanaya were already in the living room when Rose found them, chatting over hot drinks.  Calliope was snuggled against Roxy’s side, looking freshly woken up.  When Rose made her appearance, Roxy told her to pull up a seat, and Rose took her up on it.  “Where’s Mom?” Rose asked as she reached for an empty mug from the coffee table.  Kanaya lifted the coffee pot and glanced at Rose, as if asking permission to fill her cup.  Rose nodded, and Kanaya did just that, pouring a steaming portion of liquid into Rose’s mug.  Rose smiled gratefully and stirred in a spoonful of sugar.

“She went to meet the tailor,” Jade answered.

Jane let out a long yawn and apologized afterward.  Jade giggled and patted her cousin on the shoulder.  “It’s okay, Janey.  Jet lag is weird.  It’s actually midnight in Australia right now!” Jade offered.  “I haven’t slept at all.”

Roxy let out a concerned, “Jade!”, but the other woman just waved her off with a giggle.  “I’ll take a little nap after this fitting thing and try to get my schedule worked out.”

“I think we’re all a bit thrown,” Kanaya observed.  “I’ve been up for ages, trying not to wake Dave.”

“Aren’t you on the same time as me?” Roxy asked.  “Seattle and L.A. are in the same timezone.”

“True, but I spend so much time in Paris that I have a hard time adjusting to other schedules.”

“Does that make things hard for you and Dave?” Rose asked then.  “You being abroad so often, and him with what I understand to be a rather busy filming schedule?”

Kanaya shook her head.  “He’s so used to staying up late that he usually calls me when I’m getting ready in the mornings, and it’s barely midnight for him.  It works out rather well.”

“That’s good to hear,” Roxy said.  “So many couples get pulled apart by time differences and long distance relationships.”

Jane’s brow twitched at that, and Rose wondered if she was thinking of Dirk and Jake.  “Oh, Jane.  I was meaning to ask you how your takeover has been going,” Rose said, as a change of subject.  “Your grandmother stepped down this past summer, didn’t she?”

Jane nodded.  “It was hard, I will admit.  I never really thought myself cut out for running a whole company on my own, even though my grandmother taught me everything she knew to prepare me.  I suppose it was mostly my attitude toward a few choices she made with the company in the past that soured me on it.  But since I became CEO, I’ve actually found myself enjoying being in charge.  I get to tell people what to do,” she said with a mischievous grin.  “I do believe my commanding officers are getting a bit tired of my japes, but it’s all in good fun.  What’s the point of running your own business if you can’t have a bit of fun along with your work?”

“I’ll bet you’re the best boss ever, Janey,” Roxy said, wrapping her long-time friend in a side-hug.  Just then, Ms. Lalonde swept into the room in a neon pink track suit and clapped her hands twice.  At her side was a thin, severe-looking Asian woman with her dark hair piled atop her head and pinned in place with a pair of curving wooden hairsticks.  Rolling along with her was a clothing rack full of dresses in dry cleaner bags, which were presumably the dresses to be fitted that morning.

“Good morning, my beauties!  Oh, and Kanaya’s here.  Good morning, dear.”

Kanaya’s expression twitched, but she remained serene.  “Good morning, Ms. Lalonde.”

“This is my good friend, Damara, who is simply the best seamstress on the continent.  She is going to make sure our dresses fit to absolute perfection.”

“Ah, Maryam,” Damara said, upon seeing Kanaya seated on the couch.  “It has been long time.”

“You… know Kanaya?” Ms. Lalonde asked Damara, looking rapidly back and forth between the two women.

“Of course I know Kanaya Maryam,” Damara said haughtily.  “How is fall collection coming, dear?”

“Quite well, thank you, Damara,” Kanaya replied. 

“Good,” Damara said curtly.  “Those fucking Ugg boots are not going to make a comeback, are they?”

“Heavens no, Mara.  What do you take me for?”

“Good girl.”

“I thought they were comfy,” Jade said, only to be shut down by a seething look from both Damara and Kanaya.

“What your name, girl?” Damara asked Jade.

“Jade Harley?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Telling you?”

Damara tossed an exasperated look at Kanaya and shoved a dress bag into Jade’s arms.  “Try on your dress, Jade Harley.”  Jade took the dress and disappeared behind the dressing screen that had been set up in the corner.  Damara disbursed the rest of the dresses to the other three bridesmaids and Calliope, then set to helping Ms. Lalonde into her wedding dress.  As she did, she said, “Roxanne.  You have Kanaya Maryam in your house and you ask me to make dresses for you wedding?  What wrong with you?”

Ms. Lalonde floundered for an excuse as Rose and Roxy shared an incredulous look.  Neither woman had ever seen their mother at a loss for words.

“Mara, don’t be rude,” Kanaya inserted smoothly.  “You taught me all I know; naturally you’re the best choice.  And besides, Ms. Lalonde and I only met yesterday for the first time.  You two obviously have a history together.”

Ms. Lalonde took a long, studious look at Kanaya, who was helping Jane zip her dress.  “I had no idea you were so talented, Kanaya,” she said finally, her voice strangely pitched.

“Dave was telling us all at dinner last night about her career, Mom,” Roxy reminded her.  “She did the costumes for that movie you and I went to see for our birthday.”

Mom’s gaze lingered on Kanaya for a moment more before she nodded and looked down at her dress.  “Well, at any rate.  You did a wonderful job on these, Damara.”

“You lose weight since fitting,” Damara remarked, pinching in the fabric at the sides of the white dress.  “I must take in.  And hem.  You wear heels for wedding?”

“Oh, yes.  Hang on.  Jane, would you mind grabbing them for me?  They’re in a box in my closet.”

Jane nodded and headed for the stairs, clutching her skirt in her grasp.

“No wrinkle!” Damara shouted after her, then clicked her tongue.  “Kanaya.  What you think.  Take in like this?”  Damara manipulated the fabric in question around Ms. Lalonde’s hips.  Kanaya drew closer, pursing her lips thoughtfully.

“Since it’s such a fitted look, I think it would be best to adjust both the bodice and the skirt.  Pull it in tighter to accentuate her frame, and then flare out at the bottom.  Like this.”  Kanaya pulled a few pins from the box in Damara’s hand and placed them to show her thought process.  She then gently turned Ms. Lalonde toward the mirror standing against the wall.  “What do you think?”

“I think that looks great, Mom,” Roxy said, Jade nodding her agreement.

“I suppose let’s do it, then,” Ms. Lalonde consented.  Damara nodded and jotted down a note.  Jane returned and Ms. Lalonde slipped on her wedding shoes, allowing Damara to adjust the hem accordingly. 

Meanwhile, Kanaya lined up the rest of the ladies according to how they would be lined up for the ceremony – Roxy first, as matron of honor, followed by Rose, Jane, Jade, and finally Calliope.  The four bridesmaids each wore a knee-length dress in rose pink.  The dresses were not perfect replicas of each other, but were similar enough to create a matching look.  Kanaya assumed that Damara had handcrafted each one based only on the measurements of each woman and perhaps a picture of her.  Kanaya had spent two years working under Damara’s tutelage before she’d made her own name and knew the woman loved to start from scratch.  The dresses suited each woman perfectly, and reminded Kanaya of why Damara was one of the best designers in the world. 

Roxy’s dress was a simple, fitted sheath, which suited her so perfectly it was impossible to imagine a better dress to be found.  Rose’s was similar to Roxy’s, but with a lacy overlay and a circlet of gold and rhinestones around her waist.  Jane’s was a lovely wrap-bodice dress, hugging her plump frame very nicely.  Jade’s dress was a daring v-neck with a flared skirt.  Calliope’s dress was by far the most adorable, perhaps simply because she was a dimple-cheeked three-year-old, which was almost entirely made of snow-white tulle and lace.  She had a newfound fascination with twirling in it as she called for her mom to watch.   Kanaya had to admit that they were rather an attractive bunch.

Damara passed a neat stack of pins to Kanaya without a word, and she took it for what it was – a call to assist.  She found herself up close and personal with Rose, adjusting the too-large bust of her dress.  Kanaya first made the mistake of looking at Rose’s face, which held some strange tinge of knowing that turned Kanaya into something of a mess.  She kept her eyes on her work then, but it was a hard time, considering she was basically manhandling Dave’s sister while she attempted to smooth out the darts in the bust.

“I’m not easily perturbed, Kanaya,” Rose said softly.  “You don’t have to be so delicate.”

Kanaya felt her face heat to the tips of her ears, and as soon as she could, she moved on to Jane, to pull the hem up to a uniform length.  Her mind, however, remained on Rose for an inordinately long time.  Kanaya had easily taken up the mantle of Dave’s pretend girlfriend because they were good friends and both understood that they were in no way romantically interested in each other outside of this ruse.  She was finding it tougher and tougher to keep it up, and made a note to tell Dave that he’d failed to warn her how attractive his sisters were.  There was only so much a humble lesbian could take.

 

~~~

 

Dave woke on Tuesday sometime in the afternoon, took a leisurely shower, and dressed himself in his usual suit.  He was seated on the edge of the bed, pulling on his socks, when his brother took the liberty of filling the doorway with his lanky frame.  “Dude, it’s fucking June.  The wedding isn’t until Saturday. Enough with the monkey suit.”

“Habit, man.”

“Well put some fucking jeans on or something, you’re killing my vacation vibe.”

“Ha, yeah, right, like the tension in this house allows for relaxation.”

Dirk pointed accusingly at Dave.  “You’re the prick wearing a three piece suit on a Tuesday.”

Dave rolled his eyes.  “Aren’t you due to pick up your boyfriend or something?”

“I did.  While you were sleeping all day.”

“Damn.”

Dirk shrugged.  “Some of us have actual things to do with our lives during daylight hours.”

“Was there something you wanted, bro?”

“Yeah, forgot to give you this last night.”  Dirk tossed a strip of condoms at Dave’s chest.  Dave looked up with a raised eyebrow.  “Don’t wanna catch word in about two months that you got your girlfriend preggers, because then I’ll be stuck with the mental image of you two getting it on four feet beneath my bed.”

“Jesus Christ, dude, no one is getting pregnant this week.”

“Yeah, that’s what the condoms are for.”

Dave dropped them into his jacket pocket and stood up from the bed.  “Was that all?”

“Actually, I came to tell you everyone’s out by the pool.  If you step outside wearing that suit, I will not hesitate to drown you.”

“If I come down to the pool, will you get out of my room?”

“Yes.”

Dave swung the door shut in Dirk’s face and redressed himself in an old white t-shirt and a pair of red swim trunks.  After hanging his suit neatly in the closet, he reopened the door to find Dirk still waiting there.  He nodded in approval and offered Dave a fist bump.  “Better.”

Dave shoved him out of the way and the two headed downstairs.  Roxy was pacing the hall again, trying to hush a wailing Caliborn.  Dirk plucked his nephew out of Roxy’s arms and cradled him in one arm.  “Hey, hey, li’l man.  You’re driving your mom up the fuckin’ wall.  Shh.”

Roxy gaped at Dirk as Caliborn quieted down, suddenly content in Dirk’s arms.  “Please teach me your ways of witchcraft and sorcery,” she told her brother.  “Not even John can calm him down that fast.” 

Dirk smirked.  “What can I say?  He likes me.”

“It’s a Christmas miracle,” Dave intones.

“I’d forgotten what quiet sounds like,” Roxy sighed, her face melting into a dreamy, blissful look.  “Keep holding him, Dirk, I want it to last while it can.”

They continued out to the backyard, where their porch extended all the way around a full-size swimming pool.  The four Harley-Egbert cousins were splashing in the water, Jane with a squealing, exuberant Calliope in her arms, while most everyone else was soaking up sun on the sidelines.

“Did you sleep well, Dave?” Rose asked from beneath the shade of a wide-brimmed hat.

“Like a baby,” her twin replied, setting himself down at the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the warm, blue water.

“Caliborn’s never slept past nine am,” Roxy accused, pulling off her rayon sundress to reveal a sassy bikini in bubblegum pink.  She took her son back from Dirk and set him to nursing.

“Man, he gets to sleep all day, though,” Dave argued.  “Look that that little dude.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: all we need are some fuckin’ milk teats up in this bitch, we can all be as content as that motherfucker.”

“You’ve said that before?” John asked, scrunching up his face.

“Literally never open your mouth again, you crap-coated mailbox,” Karkat said, disgust painted across his face.  “Please, take this moment to shove an actual cactus up your anus and let us rot in peace.”

“You learn to tune it out,” Kanaya offered, shifting in her lounge chair.

“Oh god, which one is John and which one is Jake?” Dave asked, kicking a wave towards the middle of the pool.  “When you take your glasses off, I swear to god you’re clones.”

Dirk scoffed.  “Real fucking observant there, kid.”

“What, like you can tell them apart?”

“Of course.”

Jake (or John) exchanged a look with his double.  “Oh really, now?”

Dirk nodded solemnly.  “True story.”

“Alright smart guy,” John (or Jake) said.  “Who’s who?”

“That’s Jake,” Dirk said, pointing to the man on the left.  “No doubt.”

“You’re sure about that?” he said, inching closer.

“You’re shit at disguising your accent, dude.”

“How certain are you on that, mate?” The other asked with a deliberate twang, keeping his distance.

“One hundred percent,” Dirk said, slipping into the pool.

“Certain enough to kiss him?” Roxy asked from the other side of the pool.  She had confused the two on more than one occasion and learned the hard way how to identify her husband.

“Most definitely,” Dirk said, but there was a strange waver in his voice that betrayed his doubt.  The men in the pool cracked up.

“Well then you’d be dead wrong,” said the one who had made his way to the edge of the pool right next to Dirk.  He held out a hand to shake Dirk’s.  “Name’s John, nice to meet you.”

“Bullshit,” Karkat said, and every head present turned to look at him.  “That’s Jake.  The other one is John.”

“How do you know?” the one Karkat claimed to be John asked.

“I wasn’t born yesterday, you fucking walnut.  Ten minutes ago you yelled ‘Eat chlorine, Jake’ and threw _him_ ” (here Karkat pointed at the man near the edge of the pool) “in the pool.  Plus, when Roxy took off her coverup, you fucking wolf-whistled.  I sure as hell hope that isn’t Jake, or I’m going to have to question the moral code governing this family.”

“Damn, he’s good,” Jake said, letting his natural Australian accent slip back into his speech as he looped an arm around Dirk’s middle.  “He might rival Jane in the private eye department.”

“Please, Jake,” Jane said.  “Just because the man’s observant doesn’t mean he’s got anything on me.  I’m Jane freaking Crocker for gosh sake.”

“Whoa there, Jane, let’s ease up on the swear pedal,” Dave said, holding his hands up.  “We get the fucking point.”

Jane stuck her tongue out at Dave as he made a face and slipped himself into the pool, ducking underwater and heading for Jade.  He surfaced with her on his shoulders and shook the water from his face.  Jade held her hands up in the air victoriously.  “Yeaaaah!  Queen of the pool, fuckers!  Who’s brave enough to challenge to mighty Lalonde-Harley dynamic duo?”

“Count me out,” Jake said, pulling himself out of the pool and heading to the railing for a towel.  As he dried his backside, Dirk let out a wolf whistle.

“Bounce dat ass it’s the roundest.”

“Bro,” Dave admonished.  “Big Shawn?  Seriously?”

“Ew, that’s my brother, fuckass!” Jade said, leaping off of Dave’s shoulders in order to dunk Dirk underwater.  He stood his ground through some visible effort, as he tried to reason with Jade that he’d been dating Jake for over fifteen years, but she was having none of it.  After a few minutes of struggling, Jade finally got Dirk’s head underwater, and Jake and Roxy clapped approvingly.

Dave snickered as Dirk surfaced and immediately tried to fix his hair.  “Your hair looks like a drowned cat – you’d have better luck redeeming D. Trump than tryin’a fix that.”

“Dave, I swear to god, if you start rapping—”

“Rose, Rose, Rose,” Dave admonished.  “You know me way too well.  Your ear’s been finely tuned to the green flag of a rap du-el.”

“’Duel’ is not supposed to rhyme with ‘well’,” Rose said.  “And it doesn’t have two syllables.”

“Peeling outta the rap-lot  
while all these rhymes is still hot,  
I’mma make these raps stick  
and pwn this bespectacled prick  
when I bring on a heat  
too goddamn dope to be beat!

“Kick it back, Barack.”  Dave chuckled to himself.  “God _damn_ that would _own_.”

Dirk scoffed at his younger brother and came back immediately with a counter rap

“Weak rhymes you’ve got, son,  
what happened to the “chosen one”?  
I might’a taught you all I know,  
don’t mean you’ve got shit on my flow.  
You’ve made a beginner’s mistake,  
got off slow at the uptake.  
The real rhythm master is here  
so don’t fear, don’t you dare sneer,  
if you don’t sit your ass down,  
you pompous li’l clown,  
best believe your big bro  
‘bout to lay a beat down on you, yo.

  
“Hate to give you amateurs a contusion  
I just I can’t keep from intrusion --  
if you keep riding this schtick  
like an uneducated dick  
I’m afraid I’ll have no choice but to  
hand the asses back to both you pricks.”

Dave let out a low whistle.  “Damn, Karkat.”

“Sick burn, bro,” Dirk said, leaving the pool so that he could offer a fist bump to the unexpected rapper.

"I'm disappointed, Karkat," Rose said, though she was smirking.  "I was certain you would rap in Iambic pentameter."

“Rose, can I make out with your boyfriend?  Just a little, I swear.”

“My, Dave, in front of Kanaya?”

“I think Kanaya would understand,” Dave said.  “I mean y’all saw that.  That was literally the sexiest thing I’ve witnessed since I saw Snoop Dogg make mashed potatoes on the Martha Stewart show.”

“Why do words keep pouring out of your facehole, you obtuse fuck?  If you don’t stop talking, I will shove your entire upper body into your own ass and make you fuck yourself from the inside out.”

“Rose, I think your boyfriend has a fixation with my ass,” Dave said, gaining a strangled cry of frustration from Karkat.

“Perhaps if you stopped egging him on…” Rose said lightly. 

“Well, that’s enough of that,” Roxy said, tucking herself back into her bikini top.  She then passed her son back to Dirk and cannonballed into the pool.  “Jade, you said something about Pool Chicken?”

“Yes!” Jade cried, nearly dunking Dave underwater in her effort to get back on his shoulders.  Roxy mounted John’s shoulders in the same fashion and two ladies faced off.  “You’re going down, Roxy!”

 

By the time they were pruny and water-logged, everyone admitted that they were starving.  Dinner was a humble affair of beer and macaroni and cheese served in the living room.  Halfway through the affair, Jade challenged Dirk to a round of Drunk Chess, which had been their favorite game in high school.  It quickly turned into an amusing enterprise for the abstaining Roxy when she returned from putting her children to bed, because she could quickly identify all the different types of drunk that her family members were currently exhibiting.  Get dunked on, Drunk Scientist, Sober Roxy knows her shit.

First up, nearest and dearest to her heart, was John.  Bless his heart, the man tried so valiantly, but he was a giggly drunk and it took next to nothing at all to get him there.  Jake, too.  The two were so similar that they were often mistaken for brothers instead of cousins.  When Roxy came down the stairs, John was seated on the floor next to the stereo system playing the Ghostbusters soundtrack and turning the volume up and down, while Jake sat at Dirk’s side, loudly asking nobody in particular if they wanted to “go in for a round of fisticuffs”.

Next to John was Dave, who was a rather talkative drunk.  He wasn’t full-scale drunk like John probably was, but he had definitely had a couple drinks, because he was arguing with John about the movie Ghostbusters and how the director really should have “utilized more guys wearing sheets with holes cut in them” in his production.  Actually, on second thought, Dave might not have been drunk.  He would have still made that argument sober, Roxy was certain.

Rose didn’t seem drunk in the least, which was unsurprising.  Rose had always seemed a bit hesitant to drink much, after watching her mother and older sister battle addiction.  Other members of the seemingly sober category included Jane and Kanaya, and the latter was holding a conversation with Jane about what it was like to be the head of her own company while Rose listened interestedly.

Jade and Dirk, on the other hand, held their liquor quite well, but Roxy knew them well enough to know they’d already out drunk the others two-fold.  Jade and Dirk were engrossed in their chess game.  Dirk rarely ever displayed any outward sign of drunkenness at all, and tonight was no exception.  Jade, in contrast, was singing each upcoming chess move to the tune of “We Will Rock You”, until Dirk accepted that, yes, he really had to move that piece in order to best progress in the game. 

Mom and Dad were seated in the corner, watching everyone.  Mom was her usual self, and Dad was probably drinking root beer, if Roxy knew him at all, but she guessed they’d be heading to their bedroom fairly soon if the look Mom was giving him was any indication.

The only real wildcard in the room was Karkat, who Roxy actually really liked.  She wasn’t sure how her sister came to like him, but he fit in with their family somehow.  It was rather strange.  Roxy hadn’t known Karkat long enough to presume to know his drinking habits, but she was assuming the increase in volume was attributed to the alcohol.

Already amused, Roxy took a seat against the wall with a water bottle in hand and decided to watch things play out.

“John! I know these things!” Dave shouted abruptly.  “I have directed four feature films!”

“Your films suck butt,” John giggled.

“Dave’s movies are rather quite very excellent,” Jake said in rapid-fire, who had never done anything less than genuinely enjoy any film he’d ever taken the time to watch, much to the horror of his fiancé.

“They don’t suck butt!” Karkat practically screamed at the same time, though he didn’t seem particularly impassioned on the topic.  He was just being quite loud.  “They’re fucking weird, but they’re important.”

“See this guy knows what the up is fuck,” Jake said very confidently.  “Brilliant, I always said.  I always liked him.  Always.  What’s your name again?”

Dave frowned hard at Karkat, looking rather confused.

“Tell me why you made _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff_ , Dave,” Karkat said, pulling himself across the floor to sit next to Dave.  Aside from Jade singing “Knight to D7!” over her chessboard, everyone’s attention was now on Dave and Karkat.

“I just wanted to draw a fuckin’ webcomic,” Dave admitted.  “By the time I realized people liked it, a shitload of people wanted to give me a butt-ton of money.”

“It wasn’t easy, though.”

“Oh hell no.  Hollywood sucked ass to start.  But once I got there I wasn’t ‘bout to take no fuckin’ shit from fuckin’ nobody.  I knew what I wanted and I got what I wanted.  My initial vision for the film was just to open with a ten-minute montage of Stiller falling down the stairs, which looking back was probably way too conservative.  I just wanted to establish a stage setting, something that would wind up classic – you know?  A real staple of Hollywood in years to come.  Iconic.  The opening scene had to set up a strong antagonist for the _Moive_ – the stairs, of course.  They’re a foe which can’t be bested, you see.  A lot of people think I make comedy – slapstick, or surrealist, or some other bullshit – but they’re wrong.  They don’t get it.  _The Moive_ , at its heart, is a real American tragedy.

“And then, I mean, once we were in production, I worked tirelessly with Stiller and Wilson to achieve the heavily stylized look that we won fucking awards for.  Hug bumps were practiced until they were just off the mark of any heretofore observed human behavior, like… the uncanny valley of mannerism, laced heavily with visual and audible artifacts.  God, when the third one premiered, everyone interviewing me wanted to know about the climax, which, as everyone except Mom is aware, was actually a 20-minute clip of the scrapped _Zoolander_ prequel, flipped vertically and run through about 19 shitty photoshop filters.  They all wanted to know the ‘art and symbolism’ behind it, and I think I gave every one of them a different fucking answer.”

“You said the whole point of it was to keep it a secret,” John said, over the wavering volume of the _Ghostbusters_ score.

“Well, yeah, that’s what keeps people talking about it.  Theories always have the potential to be canon until they’re either confirmed or debunked, and everyone wants to say they came up with the real idea first on some stupid fucking forum in like 2005.  You wanna know the real secret?”  Dave snorted with laughter.  “I tell everyone different shit because I don’t actually remember coming up with it.  What happened was I bought half a pound of marijuana outside a Taco Bell in Pasadena, then sat in the editing room and didn’t come out until I was out of weed.  When I came to, I had the finished _The The Film_ and it was so much better than I had ever planned it to be.”

“That really does explain everything,” Kanaya remarked.

Dave held up his bottle in a toasting gesture.  “See?  Now how much better is my secrety theory?”

“You’re right,” Roxy admitted. “The B.S. is a lot better.”

“Toldja.”  Dave leaned his head against John’s leg.  “People think I’m a lot more mysterious and crafty than I actually am.  I just make shit up as I go, and I try to make it be what I want to say about shit, but a lot of times it just boils down to a couple dudes doing stupid shit.  People relate to that, somehow.  I don’t fucking know.  Whatever they like, I’ll find a way to keep making.”

“Jeez, Davey, I had no idea you were so invested in reaching people,” Roxy said quietly, once Dave seemed he’d stopped talking.  Dave looked over at her like he only just realized there were other people in the room.

“That’s what it’s all about right?  That’s why we do what we fuckin’ do.  That’s why the photogs hound us and the tabloids tear us to shreds, and people spend billions of dollars on our fuckin’ movies.  People like to watch celebrities and it’s our job, good or bad, to give them something to watch.  You’ve seen my fuckin’ premier stunts.  People eat that shit up because it gives them something to talk about.  If they’re talking about you, you might as well make it something worth talking about.”

“I still can’t see how Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff are considered tragic protagonists,” Kanaya interjected, only to receive a chorus of boos from Dave, Karkat, and Dirk.  She held up her hands in surrender at that point.

 

Later that evening, after Jade had whooped Dirk’s ass at chess and everyone was getting ready for bed, Dave caught Karkat in the hallway outside their rooms.  “Hey dude.”

“What’s up?” Karkat’s volume had gone down considerably from earlier, almost reversing his natural outdoor-level voice.

“Did you mean what you said earlier?  About like… liking my movies?”

“I don’t like your movies,” Karkat said definitively.  “But they represent something about society that not enough media reflects on.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know I’m an English teacher, right?”

Dave nodded earnestly.

“When you analyze English literature, you don’t analyze it based on whether or not you thought it was good, or you liked it.  You analyze it based on what it means on something deeper than surface level.”

“Yes, you get it,” Dave said, his voice an earnest whisper.  “Nobody gets it.  It’s more than slapstick and bullshit.”

“It digs into topics everyone else is afraid to dig into,” Karkat continues.  “Racism and feminism and transphobia and all the relevant issues that people love to hate, but need to understand.”

Dave stared at Karkat with something akin to wonder in his eyes.  “Dude, how is it that you are literally the only person who understands my movies?”

Karkat might have said something in response, but Dave didn’t hear it.  He was too busy pressing his lips up against Karkat in an admittedly poor facsimile of a kiss.  It only lasted a few seconds before the toilet flushed and they jolted away from each other, Karkat in surprise and Dave in shock.

“Hey guys,” Jade grinned as she left the bathroom and headed for the room she was sharing with her cousin.  She didn’t notice their awkward stances or the way that they split away into their respective rooms almost immediately after she greeted them.

Dave slept surprisingly well for someone who had just kissed his sister’s boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't rap and I spent 3 hours on pinterest picking out these dresses please appreciate them  
> http://pin.it/dwWpwEL


	4. Chapter Four - Wednesday

_Three Days to the Wedding_

Wednesday morning found Roxy bribing anyone she could get her hands on to help her tie ribbons onto wedding favors.  She’d put John in charge of his son, since he was loudly proclaiming his intentions to stay as far away from the kitchen as he could, as his father, sister, and daughter were in there baking up a storm and John claimed the smell of icing made him nauseous.  He’d gladly accepted taking care of Caliborn when he realized that this would get him out of the party favor fate – to which Dave, Rose, Karkat, and Kanaya had all been sentenced.  They were elbow deep in ribbon and boxes filled with gold and pink M&M’s when a blood-curdling scream rang through the house, which startled Caliborn and set him screaming even louder.

“Good god,” Roxy muttered, picking herself up off the ground where she had been hard at work tying bows onto tiny boxes.  Mom came running into the room with her cellphone in hand, looking terrified.  “What’s wrong?  Are you okay?”

“No!  Nothing is okay!”

“What happened?” Rose asked.

Mom choked back a dramatic sob, one hand at her chest.  “It’s Damara.  She’s had an accident and broken her wrist.  She hasn’t even begun the alterations and she won’t be able to finish them in time for the wedding.”

Mom suddenly whipped her head toward Kanaya, who was sitting quite still, looking like a deer in the headlights.  “Kanaya.  Oh, dear, sweet Kanaya.”  Mom moved across the room to kneel at Kanaya’s side.  “I know we haven’t exactly gotten off on the right foot this week, but… Damara trusts you.  Please, is there anything you can do to help?”

“Of course,” Kanaya said, brushing bits of ribbon off of her dress and getting to her feet.  “I’ll need a sewing machine.  And the dresses, of course.”

“I’ll call Aradia and see if she can bring them over,” Roxy offered, already dialing her phone.

Dave and Karkat shared a bewildered look, mutually in agreement that they had no idea what was going on or why Ms. Lalonde was crying.

“Thank you.  Thank you, Kanaya!” Mom threw her arms around Kanaya, who looked absolutely bewildered at the gesture.  She awkwardly patted the older woman’s back.

“It’s the least I can do to help,” Kanaya said gracefully.

“What is happening?” Karkat asked in a loud whisper, leaning towards Dave.

“I think Kanaya is getting a redemption arc,” Dave responded in the same tone.

“Aradia says she can let us into her mom’s workshop,” Roxy said, tucking her cellphone back into her pocket.  “She should have everything you’ll need there, Kanaya.”

“Excellent.  Dave, is there any way I could borrow the keys to the car?”

“I’ll drive you, sweetie,” Roxy said quickly.  “John’s fine with the baby, aren’t you, honey?”

“I don’t even know where our other child is,” John said, staring impassively at his wife.

“See, he’s fine.  Let’s go.”

“All right.  Let me grab my bag.”

“John, gimme your keys.”

 

Within ten minutes, Roxy and Kanaya were on their way to Damara’s studio.

“Thank you for doing this, Kanaya,” Roxy said as she moved into the left lane on the highway and hit the cruise control.  “I know Mom can be a little harsh, but it’s very big of you to help out like this.”

“As much as it may pain me to admit, I hold a considerable endearment toward Dave, and helping his family is really the least I can do in return for all the things he’s helped me through.”

“Aww,” Roxy said, bringing a hand to her chest.  “That’s so sweet.”

“He was rather instrumental in helping me get over my last relationship,” Kanaya said.  “I had really thought I was in it for the long haul.”

“Did he sweep you off your feet?” Roxy asked.

“No, he egged her house.”

Roxy laughed aloud at that.  “Oh god, classic Dave.”

Kanaya allowed a smile to form on her face.  “He’s a good friend.”

Roxy’s brows rose as she glanced over at Kanaya.  “Friend?”

“Er, I mean.  Boyfriend, of course.”

Roxy’s gaze returned to the road.  “You two seem like a really interesting match,” Roxy commented.  “I have known a lot of Dave’s girlfriends, and I wouldn’t say you really fit into his type.  No offense.”

“None taken.  Really, given my romantic history, Dave isn’t my type either.”  Kanaya fiddled with her hands for a moment before blurting out “Roxy, can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“Dave… isn’t my boyfriend.”

Roxy sighed in relief.  “Honey, you don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that.  No offense,” she added quickly.  “You’re really sweet and all, but I was beginning to worry about your standards.”

“You knew?”

“I suspected.”

“What gave us away?”

“Dave’s brought home more fake girlfriends than I can count,” Roxy said.  “We play along so he can pull the wool over Mom’s eyes, but we know.  I also know Dave’s attitude when he’s in a real relationship.  He likes to drive them to the brink just to bring them back with his sheer adoration toward them.  Dave doesn’t do that with you.  You get along really well, so I’m guessing you’re friends and not just some random person he asked to pose as his girlfriend.”

“We did meet during his first movie,” Kanaya said.  “I design a lot of clothes for him as well.  We just aren’t… together.”

“Let me guess; when you said Dave wasn’t your type, you meant that in the sense that your type is girls?”  Kanaya nodded, looking a bit sheepish.  Roxy giggled.  “I kind of figured that out after you couldn’t stop blushing during the fitting.”

“Dave failed to warn me how pretty his sisters are,” Kanaya admitted.

“God, you and Rose would be so cute together, honestly,” Roxy sighed wistfully. 

“What?”

“I dunno, that’s just what I’m feeling.  I’m a top-notch matchmaker.”  Roxy winked at Kanaya. 

“Please don’t let on that you know,” Kanaya asked.

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.  I hope you don’t mind if I torture Dave a little with my knowledge, though.”

“Please do.  He’s getting far too big for his britches.”

Roxy giggled and turned off the highway.  “He’s such a dork.”

“That is definitely the most accurate thing I’ve heard said all week.”

“I think…” Roxy said, scanning the road ahead for her turn.  “That this is it.  Oh, there’s Aradia!”

Standing outside the studio was a familiar head of auburn hair, spinning a key chain around her finger.  She bounced up and waved when she caught sight of Roxy approaching.  Roxy and Kanaya left the car and followed Aradia into the studio.

“Mom said you can either do it here or take the stuff back to the Lalondes,” Aradia said.  “I can bring it next week, since I work there.”

“That would probably be better,” Kanaya said.  “Since Roxy drove here.”

“Awesome.  Alright, so I’m not sure all of what you’ll need, but Mom said you’re okay to take whatever.  That’s a pretty big deal, bt-dubs.  She doesn’t even let me touch her sewing stuff.”

“She’s odd like that,” Kanaya said.  “But I’m glad to have earned her respect.”

“You sure have.  Anyway, you tell me what you need and we can get this all packed up for you.”

Kanaya nodded and set to surveying the room for the supplies she would need.  This was going to be a rush job, but she would not let it look it.  She was Kanaya Fucking Maryam for Christ’s sake, and she was not above killing Ms. Lalonde with kindness in recompense for treating her like shite these past few days.

 

After they returned to the Lalonde house, Kanaya set up shop in the library with a folding table and a dining room chair.  She wanted no company, and she did not come out for dinner.  The discussion at the dinner table was rather subdued, most of the attention focused on Jake, since Ms. Lalonde and Mr. Egbert had been gone most of the day meeting with their priest yesterday and had not gotten the chance to catch up with him.  He regaled them all with tales of Norway and the blooming spring he’d witnessed there until the party disbanded in favor of other areas of the house.

Rose slipped down the hall toward the library and knocked softly.  “Come in,” came the reply, and Rose twisted the knob to allow herself inside.

Kanaya sat at the table where she’d been left, working diligently.  She glanced up when Rose entered and finished the stitch she was working on before pausing.  “Rose.”

“Hi Kanaya.  I thought I’d bring you a cup of tea.”

“Ohh thank you,” Kanaya said, reaching gratefully for the mug.  “Mm. Perfect.  Thank you, Rose.”

“Do you want anything to eat?  We saved you a plate.”

“Perhaps once I’ve finished this gown,” Kanaya said.  “I’m going to have to do the bride’s dress by hand, I think.  That will be the most time-consuming part.”

“It’s very big of you to do this,” Rose said.  “After the way Mother treated you at the fitting.”

“That’s what Roxy said,” Kanaya replied.  “Truth be told, my gesture is more than a little spiteful.  You know the old saying?  Kill your enemies with kindness?”

Rose smiled, perching herself atop the desk near the door.  “That was always my approach to Mother’s less supportive remarks.”

“She says things like that to you?”

“Oh, all the time,” Rose said, rolling her eyes.  “’Oh, Rose, you’re going to be a professor? What happened to being a therapist?’ or, ‘Oh Rose, why are you such a prude? Just pick a warm body and settle down!’”

“Do you dislike your work?”

Rose looked surprised.  “The opposite, actually.  I like teaching, and the light load in the summers gives me plenty of time to write.”

“You’re a writer?”

“Closeted,” Rose said, but there was a sudden light in her eyes that had Kanaya wanting her to elaborate.  “Just a little something I work on in my spare time.  I doubt it will ever be read by anyone but myself.”

“What is it about?”

Rose paused for a moment before looking Kanaya in the eye.  “It’s about wizards, dark magic, and an entirely self-indulgent and complicated journey to self-realization.”

“It sounds wonderful.”

“If you’re into those sorts of things,” Rose said lightly.

“Everyone has their guilty pleasure.  Mine happens to be vampire romance.”

Rose smiled – a real, genuine smile that suited her face perfectly.  “True enough.  Personally, I enjoy the story, but I’d never tell my mother I want to be an author.  I believe you’ve known her just long enough to know she takes a rather… firm stance on her snap judgements.”

“I suppose it feels nice to have Karkat with you this week then,” Kanaya said lightly.  Rose nodded, her lower lip wedged between her teeth.

“It is.”

“Have you been dating a while?  I can’t recall if you said.”

Rose shook her head, her gaze staring absently out the window.  “Not long.”

“Do you think you’ll go the distance?”

The blonde pulled her gaze from the window to look at the woman staring earnestly at her.  “I suppose that remains to be seen.”

Kanaya nodded, looking back down at her work.  “True of many relationships, I suppose.”

“Indeed.”

“Thank you for the tea,” Kanaya said.  “I should get back to work.”

“You’re welcome,” Rose replied, slowly returning her feet to the floor.  “If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask.”

Kanaya nodded once, not looking up from the hem she was sewing.  “Good night, Rose.”


	5. Chapter 5 - Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NSFW

_Two Days to the Wedding_

Thursday was a quiet day in the Lalonde house, mostly because nearly everyone was gone.  Kanaya was there, cooped up in the library most of the day, sewing away.  Dad was in the kitchen, icing the fantastic cake he’d crafted and keeping an eye on Calliope and Caliborn to boot.  Everyone else was three miles down the road, preparing the church and reception hall for the event they’d spent all this time preparing for.  The church was a mile from the reception hall, and in order to best get things done, everyone had been split into teams in the most grade-school fashion possible - boys vs. girls.  Jane had taken the boys and headed to the reception hall to apply her years of catering knowledge to the place settings and decorations while Roxy took the remainder to the church to decorate the pews and the arch where the vows would take place. 

Around one pm, Dirk and Karkat drew the short straws and were thusly elected to go pick up lunch.  After driving the ten or so minutes into the nearest town to buy enough Chinese food to feed an army, they dropped half of it at the church with the girls and headed back to the reception hall with the rest.  Most of the trip was spent in silence, until Dirk’s abrupt question nearly made Karkat jump out of his skin.

“When are you planning to tell my sister that you’re gay?”

Karkat choked on his gum.  “What the hell kind of question is that?” he rasped, pounding on his own chest.

“The kind a protective big brother asks when his sister brings home a gay guy.”

Karkat stared at Dirk in abject horror until he finally managed to produce the words, “She knows, actually.”

“I figured she was smart enough to, just needed to check.”

“For the record, that was a very rude question.”

“Dude, if you hadn’t noticed, I’m engaged to the manliest man to ever mud wrestle with Bear Grylls.”  Dirk chuckled, remembering that event.  “Damn do I wish they’d gotten that on tape.”

“Oh, sure, that justifies it, you complete abacus.”

“Explain to me why exactly you and Rose are acting like a couple, if you are both very much aware of the fact that you like dudes.”

“She didn’t want to face your mom giving her shit over the single life.  Which I sympathized with when I agreed to do this, but after meeting her, I definitely empathize because Jesus Christ on a cracker, your mother is an _asshole_.”

“It’s hereditary.”

“Don’t worry, though,” Karkat said.  “I’m not going to break your sister’s heart.  As per our mutual agreement, we will be breaking up on our flight back to Massachusetts, and she will break it to the lot of you in a month or two.”

“For the record, though,” Dirk added as he shifted the car into park outside the reception hall.  “Next time you want to convince a bunch of people that you’re straight, try not to stare so blatantly at your girlfriend’s brother’s ass.”

“I never stared at your ass,” Karkat scoffed, even as his mind raced to pinpoint a moment when he might have done just that.

“I meant Dave,” Dirk said, pushing the car door open.  “But now that’s out in the open, let’s take this fuckin’ food inside, because I’m starving.”

 

~~~

 

Dirk’s words burned in Karkat’s mind the rest of the day as he questioned his feelings for Dave.  They’d kissed – yes.  But they’d been drunk, and Karkat never counted drunken actions as legitimate bullet points in an argument for any side of any situation.  The longer he thought about it, the more he couldn’t get Dave out of his mind.  After dinner, when Dave stepped outside for his usual cigarette, Karkat found himself following.  He found Dave lighting up on the back porch and, to Karkat’s surprise, offered one to the professor.  Karkat stepped out of the shadows and stood near the railing with Dave.  “Heard you following me down the hall,” Dave offered by way of explanation.

Karkat accepted the smoke and subsequent light, and the two smoked their menthols in silence for a long while.  “There are a lot of rumors about you in the media,” Karkat said, breaking the peaceful silence.

“There goddamned better be, with all the bullshit I come up with for their sakes.”

“So they aren’t true?”

“Some of them are,” Dave admitted.  He took a long drag of his cigarette and shook off the ash.  “The one about me and ICP was true, for example.  Hate those fucking bastards.  Their music is amazing, but they’re way too sincere about their work.”

Karkat snorted.  “Wow.”

“It’s tough being a beacon of irony in a world populated by dudes with sticks up their asses.  It’s hard and nobody understands.”

“Are you really Marilyn Monroe’s grandson?”

Dave shrugged.  “Not to my knowledge, though I really have no idea what my biological father’s family tree looks like.  I like that rumor though.  Marilyn was a bamf.  One of the Hollywood figures I sincerely wish I could have met.  If I was her grandson, I would be literally so psyched.”

“What about the romantic rumors?” Karkat asked then, feeling his heart in his throat.  “I mean, obviously, you’re with Kanaya right now, but I heard you and Owen Wilson were—”

“No,” Dave interrupted.  “Owen and I would never.”

“Oh,” Karkat said, suddenly wishing he hadn’t asked.

“Ben and I did, though,” Dave went on.  “And Danny.  Not at the same time, unless you count the night we all got wasted on tequila shots, but we don’t remember that night very well, and I’m pretty sure all we did was have a helicoptering contest.”

“What the fuck?”

Dave grinned at Karkat in the dark, exhaling a long stream of smoke into the darkness.  “Told you man.  It’s tough being a celebrity.”

“So you’re… bi?”

“Yup.”  Dave caught Karkat’s eye in the shadows.  “That been eating at you for a while?”

“Kind of,” Karkat admitted.

Dave laughed at that and ground out the butt of his cigarette against the wooden railing.  “I’m not exactly in the closet, but the media likes to ignore the fact that I like dudes.  Straight sells and gay scandals sell.  I guess bisexual doesn’t sell.  Or maybe it just makes me a whore.”

“It doesn’t,” Karkat said, and in the moment that followed, Dave swore he had never felt more sexual tension between two people in his life.  Neither one could honestly say who made the first move, but once they kissed, they kissed like the other man was water and they’d just spent a lifetime in a desert.

When they finally came up for air, Karkat shook his head, trying to regain his common sense.  “Your entire family is gathered on the other side of that window.  We can’t.”

Dave’s mind objected to the thought of not kissing Karkat at any point in the immediate future, and the thought of going back into that party was just not going to happen.  But Karkat’s room was also Rose’s room, and all other rooms in the entire house ran a way higher chance of being walked into than Dave was comfortable with.  Was there nowhere in this goddamned mansion they could go to be alone?  Fuckfuckfuck, think, Dave, think.  Dave’s hip hit the railing and something in his jacket pocket clunked against the wood.  Keys.

“The guesthouse,” Dave breathed suddenly, his eyes lighting up with the potential.  He grabbed Karkat’s hand and rushed around the side of the house.  They ran across the lawn to the small, two-room apartment resting a hundred yards or so behind the main house.  Dave made a mental note to thank Aradia for giving him that key.  It felt like a lifetime ago.  When they reached the guesthouse, Dave’s hands fumbled with the lock, but Karkat swooped in to steady him.  They fell through the door in each other’s embrace, barely waiting for the wall to catch them before kissing each other senseless yet again.

By the time they made it to the bedroom, most of their clothes were gone – strewn along the path they had taken to get there.  Dave pushed Karkat back against the mattress, climbing up to straddle him between his knees.  After a bit more kissing that started to morph into grinding, Dave pulled back reluctantly.  “Are we—”

“If you want to,” he replied quickly.

“Oh god yes,” Dave said, falling back to Karkat’s mouth like it was a lifeline.  He began trailing down Karkat’s jaw, his neck, his collarbone, until Karkat was panting with all the breathlessness Dave felt.

“Do you have—”

Dave paused above Karkat’s chest, nipples peaked and perfect under his touch.  He hadn’t brought any protection on the goddamned trip, what with the fake lesbian girlfriend and all.  _No one’s getting pregnant this week, bro_ , Dave’s mind supplied, and that was when he remembered.

He climbed off of Karkat to hunt down his jacket, which was closer to the door than he remembered, but fortunately not in the main house.  The strip of condoms Dirk had given him was still in the pocket, thank god.  For once in his miserable existence, his older brother’s pretentious assholery had benefited Dave in the most unforeseen way.  He checked the date as he returned to a nearly naked Karkat and handed him the lot.  Karkat lifted an eyebrow, pushing himself up on his elbows.  “Prepared for anything, are we?”

Dave scoffed.  “I make it a point to stay unprepared.  My brother just had to be a dick earlier and ruin my streak.”

“Thank your brother for me,” Karkat said, his voice low and gravelly in a way that went straight to Dave’s groin.  Karkat’s hand looped around the back of Dave’s neck and pulled him into another deep kiss.

Ohhh, fuck.  Dave really liked this guy, he suddenly realized, and not just because he was about to get laid -- though that particular prospect did have his downstairs neighbor pretty excited.  Whoa there little buddy, we’re getting to it.  Karkat’s other hand slipped around Dave’s side, pulling their bodies flush together.  Dave let out a little noise which was mostly swallowed by Karkat’s mouth.  He pushed Dave down onto the bed, rolling so that Karkat was on top and hot damn, Dave really liked that, holy shit.  Karkat hovered over him, trailing kisses across his jawline and down his neck.  Dave’s breathing was hot and heavy and he recognized the fact that he was being much more vocal than he usually was in bed.  He had no real explanation for this phenomenon, but neither did he have much cause to reign it in.

Karkat made his way further south, trailing sloppy kisses down Dave’s torso until he was mouthing at Dave’s hardening erection through his briefs.  Dave was being driven absolutely crazy by the time Karkat finally hooked his fingers in the elastic of Dave’s underwear and tossed them aside. 

Dave sat up and decided it was long past time to get Karkat out of his own boxers.  Once he had a fully bare Karkat under his gaze and had stroked Karkat’s length a few times, he plucked a condom off the night stand with his free hand.  He released Karkat in order to tear open the foil and popped it in his mouth.

“What the fuck ar—” Karkat began, but Dave was suddenly sliding Karkat’s erection into his mouth, rolling the condom over it as he did in one fluid motion.  Karkat choked in surprise and gripped Dave’s hair in both hands, but was by no means complaining.  Dave bobbed his head up and down a few times, getting Karkat nice and worked up.  Once Karkat started spewing a steady stream of curse words, Dave couldn’t properly blow him around the grin he was sporting.  He released Karkat with a smack of his lips and grinned up at him.

“Nice party trick, hotshot,” Karkat spat, but he was too breathless to sound bitter.

“I live to perform,” Dave replied smoothly.  Karkat leaned down to wipe the grin off of Dave’s stupid face.

“Karkat used Sloppy Makeouts!” Dave said when they finally parted.  “It was super effective.”

“How are we doing this?” Karkat asked, ignoring Dave’s inane comment.

“Whatever you want, babe,” Dave said in a sultry voice.  “I highly doubt Mr. Professor Man is kinkier than me.”

“I want to fuck you,” Karkat blurted out, surprising himself with the request. 

Dave wheezed.  “Yes, yes, god yes,” he groaned, involuntarily lifting his hips into the air in search of friction by the name of Karkat.

“Really?” Karkat looked a little surprised.

Dave leveled him with a deadly serious look.  “Karkat, if you don’t fuck me right now, I swear to jegus, I’m going to start rapping in French about how magnificent your ass is.  It’s pretty fucking magnificent, by the way.  I saw you hanging that banner earlier, like goddamn, that ass should be illegal.”

Karkat pushed Dave backward against the pillows to shut him up.  “The French would be an improvement,” Karkat told him.  Dave decided it best not to mention that he could barely remember how to speak English with Karkat naked and on top of him, not even to mention French.  Instead, he opted to spread his legs wide to allow Karkat to get to work.

Karkat used the extra lube from the condom foil to slick his fingers and pressed one to Dave’s entrance.  Dave’s breath hitched in his throat as Karkat worked the digit inside of him before adding another.  By the time Karkat got to three, Dave was feeling hornier and more impatient than ever.  “Karkat, please, for the love of our lord and savior Shia LeBeouf, just do it.”

“Why are you such a meme?” Karkat asked, ignoring Dave’s request and continuing to stretch Dave out.

“Pl _ease_ ,” Dave repeated, his voice cracking mid-word and turning it into a two-syllable plea.  Karkat finally obliged, removing his fingers and lining himself up before sliding slowly inside.

Dave forgot how to breathe until Karkat was fully seated.  His chest heaved as he tried to relax.  It was by no means his first time with a dick up the ass, but he’d had a bit of a dry spell, okay?  And it wasn’t like it was exactly a comfortable process, for god’s sake.  “Okay,” he said finally.  “Okay, go ahead.”

Karkat began to slowly rock back and forth, reaching down to twine his fingers with Dave’s on the pillow.  Chocolate brown eyes locked onto hazel as Karkat gradually began to speed up and Dave bit his lip in an effort not to completely lose it.  Soon enough, Karkat found Dave’s sweet spot and Dave’s eyes snapped shut, a strangled cry making it out of his throat.  Karkat caught on and found a nice pattern, not rhythmic enough to be monotonous, but enough to get Dave uttering a steady stream of “ohh god, Karkat, _fuck_.”  A voice in the back of Dave’s head told him he probably definitely sounded like a pornstar, but Dave literally could not have cared less at that moment.

Dave’s free hand found its way to his dick and began pumping in time with Karkat’s thrusts.  He was holding out as best he could, just for sheer desire to never let this moment end, but that familiar tightening in his stomach was not to be evaded.  “Oh god, Karkat, fuck.  Fuck, I’m gonna come.”

With a few more thrusts, Dave did just that, shouting Karkat’s name in the midst of blinding white pleasure.  Karkat rode out Dave’s climax and finally spent himself inside with a shuddering cry.  He collapsed on the bed beside Dave, and Dave wrapped an arm around Karkat to hold him close, just because he could. 

This was what bliss felt like, Dave thought.  For the smallest, most unexpected moment, Dave felt happier than he had in a long time.  Here was a gorgeous man who hadn’t tried kissing Dave’s ass for brownie points at any point during this whole week.  He talked about _SBaHJ_ intelligently – not with inane, off-mark compliments, nor with unbidden insult, but with genuine understanding for what Dave had been trying to say all along.  He was crude and kind of loud and definitely a smartass, but he was a good person.  Dave had only known him for five days and he already thought more highly of Karkat than he did of almost anyone.

Dave forced himself to shut off the sentimental, post-coital bullshit by saying something entirely uncalled for (and completely ironic).

“Was it good for you, babe?”

Karkat weakly shoved Dave away, the effect lost as he stayed snuggled in Dave's embrace.

“Actually, that was probably a more serious question that it might have sounded,” Dave said, his voice wavering with climbing self-doubt.

“It was great,” Karkat assured him, kissing the underside of Dave’s jaw.  They spent a few more moments lying there before Karkat suddenly sat bolt upright.  “ _Shit._ ”

“What?”

“Kanaya!” Karkat shouted, looking utterly horrified.  “And Rose!  We’re… god.  Shit.”  He then buried his face in his hands, emitting a steady stream of the word “fuck” repeated over and over.

Dave suddenly was overwhelmed with discomfort in the light of what had just transpired and feeling very much like a filthy homewrecker. 

It was one thing to be the person people cheated with.  Dave had slept with more than his share of people, and he knew he’d been with more than one person who was in a committed relationship.  He was an advantageous person to be seen and be affiliated with, and people liked to have sex with him in order to get that attention.  He was used to that -- welcomed the scandals as a way to feed the press with the image of unpredictable pretty-boy he strove to maintain in front of cameras.  He had never thought he would take it this far – to sleep with someone he knew was taken.  Taken by his own sister, at that.  It didn’t matter two shits that Karkat had consented.  Dave knew, he _knew_ Karkat was dating Rose, and he’d slept with him anyway.  What kind of asshole did something like that?

“Look, Dave, I—”

“Say no more,” Dave said, swinging himself out of bed and fumbling for his clothes.

“It’s not—Look, I’m way more worried about you, here.”

Dave couldn’t contain his scoff at Karkat’s words.

“I’m serious!  Kanaya is…. You make a great couple, and I don’t want to be the asshole who fucked that up.”  Karkat shook his head, staring at nothing Dave could single out.  “God, I’m a terrible person.”

“Pretty much,” Dave bit out, his anger toward himself flooding out before he could reign it in.  “But whatever.  I’m used to being the one people hook up with without a thought to anyone they might fuck over in the process.  I’m from Hollywood for god’s sake.  It’s standard order.”

Karkat looked like he’d just been shocked.  Dave was a little shocked too.  It was just as much his fault as it was Karkat’s – more.  Dave was constantly on his guard for people who would take advantage of him for their own benefit, but Dave had thrown his safeguards out the window at the sight of a cute guy.  He should have known better than to trust Karkat, to let himself be driven by how much he liked Karkat – to fucking sleep with Karkat right under his sister’s nose.  Panic, anxiety, and self-hatred were suddenly flooding his veins and Dave was no longer in control of himself.  He just needed to get out of there. 

Dave pulled on his dress shirt and glanced back toward Karkat.  He was staring unseeing into the distance, looking small against the white comforter.  Dave grabbed his jacket off the floor.  “I won’t tell Rose.”

Dave stared at the ceiling of his bedroom until dawn painted the walls scarlet, afraid that if he closed his eyes he’d remember how happy he’d felt with Karkat’s lips on his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a major crush on Marilyn Monroe and Dave is definitely her long lost grandson don't even argue w/me on this


	6. Chapter 6 - Friday

Friday found Karkat in the library, nose buried in a Shakespeare anthology while Kanaya’s sewing machine hummed a few feet away.  Kanaya sensed something amiss and, for this reason, allowed Karkat to remain in the library while she worked.  When it had been some time since the flipping of a page, Kanaya asked him what he was reading.

“Sonnets.”

“Read me one.”

Karkat didn’t hesitate.  He’d been reading this same sonnet, Sonnet 151, over and over for the last twenty minutes, trying to remember how to apply it to a historical context rather than his own goddamned life. 

“Love is too young to know what conscience is;  
yet who knows not conscience is born of love?   
Then, gentle cheater, urge not my amiss,  
lest guilty of my faults thy sweet self prove.   
For, thou betraying me, I do betray  
my nobler part to my gross body’s treason;  
my soul doth tell my body that he may  
triumph in love; flesh stays no farther reason,  
but, rising at thy name, doth point out thee  
as his triumphant prize.  Proud of this pride,  
he is contented thy poor drudge to be,  
to stand in thy affairs, fall by thy side.”

“I’m fluent in three languages, but Shakespeare has usually managed to stump me,” Kanaya admitted.  “I gathered that it is a love story.”

Karkat cleared his throat.  “The author’s lover accused him of making an unconscionable choice for the sake of love, but the author is turning it back, saying the lover is just as guilty of the same mistake.”

Kanaya glanced over at the man bent over the large red-bound volume.  “Did they have an affair?”

“Yeah.”

“And so their choice was unconscionable because one or both of them were already in relationships, but they did it in the name of love?”

Karkat nodded.  “But Shakespeare uses love and lust interchangeably here.”

“Are they so different?”

“Depends on who you ask.”

“I asked you.”

“They’re two different things fucking entirely.”

“How do you argue?”

“Lust is wanting someone physically.  Love is needing them emotionally.  You can have love without lust, and lust without love.  They're basically opposites.”

“Then why do people vow themselves ‘to have and to hold until death do they part’?”

“Because when two people get married, the idea is that love and lust are so closely entwined that they just call it love.”

Kanaya stared strangely at Karkat.  “Are you sure you’re only an English teacher?”

Karkat smiled amusedly.  “Yeah.  The Mistress sonnets are just another notch in the romantic belt I’ve been strangling myself with since I was a fucking kid.  I’ve always been a sucker for a love story, I guess.”

Kanaya smiled in return.  “It seems to have been in your benefit.”

“Fucking finally.”

“You should work on your closer, though.”

“Nobody’s perfect, Maryam.”

 

~~~

 

The rehearsal went swimmingly to everyone’s relief.  While the wedding party was at the church hall, Kanaya finally finished her alterations and Karkat congratulated her before immersing himself back in _Romeo and Juliet_.  When everyone returned, the rehearsal dinner turned into much more of a party than they’d anticipated, but no one was disappointed at this turn of events.

At some point during the evening, Rose lost track of her date.  She vaguely remembered him excusing himself with a headache, but in all honestly, she was on about her fourth glass of wine at that point and thus did not particularly mind.  Or notice.  Same thing, really.

What she did notice was Kanaya, and for the first time that whole week, Rose’s loosened inhibitions allowed her to really, truly look at her.  Which meant she was probably staring, but, as with the Karkat disappearance above, she didn’t really notice.

Kanaya was tall – taller than Rose, and even taller than Dave when she wore those really high heels like the ones she had on tonight.  Her silhouette was the most magnificent example of an hourglass Rose had ever seen outside of a magazine.  Kanaya should be in a magazine, Rose thought.  She was certainly beautiful enough to be, especially tonight.  She never slouched, which Rose liked, and always kept her chin held high.  She wasn’t stuck up though, Rose reminded herself.  She was pretty much the nicest person Rose had ever met who wasn’t in the Egbert family tree.  Tonight Kanaya was wearing a red skirt and a silky black blouse with quite a few buttons undone.  Rose thought that was nice.

Rose tried, in her ever to slightly fuzzy mind, to figure out a legitimate reason why Kanaya would date her brother.  The most likely reasons, or the ones which kept coming back to her mind anyway, were either fame or money.  But Kanaya had enough of those on her own, so maybe it was publicity.  Really, Rose just had no idea why a woman like that would date her brother, and she also had no idea why she felt so very jealous of Dave.

Rose grabbed a new drink and went over to Kanaya.  She was holding a champagne flute in her delicate hand and tipped her head when Rose approached.  “Rose.  How goes it this evening?”

“’S good, Kapakanya,” Rose assured her, and Kanaya’s concern furrowed her brow.

“It’s Kanaya,” she corrected gently, which made Rose giggle loudly.

“You’re so funny.  So funny and pretty.  Pretty and funny.  God, you’re pretty.”

“Thank you?”

“Why’re you dating my slob of a brother, that’s the real question,” Rose slurred, snorting in her own amusement.  “Fuck that guy amirite.”

“Where is Karkat?”

Rose shrugged and heard the distinct sound of shattering glass.  Kanaya was definitely very concerned at this point and decided she’d best do something to get Rose to stop drinking and perhaps go to bed.

“Where’d my drink go?”

“You dropped it,” Kanaya informed her gently.  “On the ground just now.”

“Oh,” Rose said, her voice very small.  “That’s sad.”

“Rose, I think we’d best get you into bed.”

Rose started cackling hysterically.  “That’s what she said.”

“Rose, really.  Let’s go now.”

Kanaya placed one hand on Rose’s back and held her hand in the other, leading-slash-propelling her toward the staircase.  Nearly at the top of the stairs, Rose tripped, and Kanaya caught her before she could tumble backward down them.  Rose, finding herself suddenly swept off her feet in Kanaya’s strong arms, in the midst of the last moments Rose would remember before blacking out, kissed Kanaya right on the lips.  It was short and a little sloppy, and once Rose pulled back, she looked Kanaya straight in the eye, said “he warned me about the stairs, bro,” then stumbled up the stairs and straight into the bathroom, where she proceeded to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

It was turning out to be a very long week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA the chapter that happened while procrastinating my actual Shakespeare homework
> 
> The sonnet, again, is Shakespeare's Sonnet 151


	7. Chapter 7 - Saturday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the pinterest board with the wedding aesthetic once more so you can enjoy just how much work I put into planning this fictional wedding http://pin.it/wO-q1Y5

_The Day of the Wedding_

The next morning, everyone was out of bed early.  For the girls, this meant they were all headed to the salon by 9 am, and for the guys, it meant a variety of things.

By 9 am, Dad was awake, showered, shaven, and dressed in only an undershirt and a pair of boxers, pacing the entire upstairs and rehearsing the vows he’d written in various intonations while Jake (who had been up for hours already, due to crazy time difference shenanigans) watched with mild concern.  Dad only paused his pacing when his son emerged from the bathroom with a 5 o’clock shadow, and the two proceeded to argue over whether or not John needed to shave until Dirk got fed up and broke up the fight by locking John back in the bathroom until he bowed to his father’s wishes.  Karkat wisely kept out of the way by showering downstairs and heading to the kitchen to make coffee for himself and Kanaya, who, as not a member of the wedding party, had stayed behind to get ready on her own.  She wound up declining the coffee and making herself a cup of tea, but told Karkat that the gesture was appreciated.

Dave got out of bed at 10, which was early in his book, but it was only because his brother came in and stole the comforter while John ran in with a squirt gun and began pelting Dave with ice water.  Dave’s screaming woke the baby, which Dave claimed was John’s “own damn fault”.  Still, despite these few bumps in the road, by the time the girls returned in the afternoon, the boys had all managed to shower and dress themselves. 

Roxy shooed the boys out of the house and on to their destination when she returned.  Mom blew a kiss at her groom as they filed past each other in the hall, Dad winking in return.  The boys headed out as the ladies went upstairs to slip into their dresses.  Karkat had stayed behind to avoid Dave, but was quickly set to work fetching various items for the bride’s wedding party.

The dresses Kanaya had spent the past days working on fit immaculately and she warded off praises with a humble shake of her head.  She told the ladies seeing them look such a lovely sight was reward enough, especially considering that she loved sewing so much.  What she refrained from adding was that Rose was most definitely the loveliest sight to behold, with her short hair pulled back and just a few loose tendrils framing her face; her pretty violet eyes brought out by a little simple makeup, with which Rose usually didn’t bother.  Kanaya did not know that Rose was rather thinking the same thing, but about her.  Kanaya’s jade dress hugged the perfect figure Rose vaguely remembered admiring the night before, and with a more dramatic hand on her makeup, struck a more imposing and elegant figure than ever.

Roxy helped her mother into her dress, and all the ladies cooed at the sight.  Ms. Lalonde truly struck a classy and elegant picture in her fitted white gown, which flared out ever so gently from the hip and fell behind her in a short train.  While all the bridesmaids had taken a pulled back up-do with a few curls left loose, Ms. Lalonde’s hair was done all in ringlets and piled up until they cascaded down her neck.

“You look beautiful, Mom,” Rose told her mother honestly, Roxy echoing the sentiment after her.  Ms. Lalonde pulled her daughters close and claimed they were going to make her mascara run.

“Gamma so pretty,” Calliope agreed, still content to twirl in her poufy dress.  Ms. Lalonde laughed and smoothed her hand down her granddaughter’s cheek as she thanked her.

“We should get going,” Jade said finally, hating to break up the lovely family moment.  With that, the rest of the household piled into cars and headed for the church to witness the moment they’d all been waiting for.

 

~~~

 

The ceremony was, indeed, beautiful.  There was a very sweet moment where Calliope got a bit of stage fright and ran the rest of the way down the aisle to her grandfather.  He very gently patted her on the back and reminded her she should go stand by her mother and aunties, and she kissed his cheek before doing just that.  After that little chuckle, all eyes were on the happy couple as they exchanged their vows and rings before their friends and family.  Even Karkat and Kanaya, as they sat together along the aisle behind Mr. Egbert’s mother, managed to keep their attention mostly on the ceremony at hand, even though their eyes would occasionally wander to certain other members of the wedding party.  Dave stood stoic between John the Best Man, and Dirk, with Jake pulling up the rear.  Rose stood opposite Dave with her eyes trained on her mother, Matron of Honor Roxy on one side and Jane and Jade on the other.

When the bride and groom kissed, the gathered crowd cheered.  Karkat and Kanaya stuck together as they made their way through the receiving line to wish the happy couple their best and deigning to wait outside for them to finish greeting their guests.

“The bride was lovely,” Kanaya commented.

“Yup.”

“Rose, too.”

“Sure was.”

“You’re a lucky fellow.”

Karkat nodded.  They fell quiet as a car with a broken muffler accelerated at the traffic light across the way.

“Do you recall that sonnet you read me yesterday?” Kanaya asked after it was quiet again.

“Yeah, why.”

“What happened to them after the affair?”

“It was just a sonnet, Kanaya, not a full-on play.”

“Oh.”

“I mean there’s more to the series, but in all honesty, it ends kind of badly.  If you’re looking for the happy-sappy ending model, I’d recommend Nicholas Sparks.”

Kanaya pursed her lips, watching Jake and Dirk exit the church and peck each other on the lips.  “Can I ask you another question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

“No.”  Kanaya glanced back at Karkat, surprised by his immediate and concrete response.  “Love at first sight is lust.  You can’t love someone when you don’t even know them.”

“How long would you say it takes to fall in love, then?”

Karkat hesitated.  “I guess that depends.”

“On what?”

“On who you're asking.”

Kanaya released an exasperated sigh.  “I’m asking _you_ , Karkat.”

There was a longer pause, and Kanaya watched as Jade and Rose joined their brothers outside the glass doors.  “As long as it takes to see the spark that lights up their eye when they discuss something they’re passionate about.”

_It’s about wizards, dark magic, and an entirely self-indulgent and complicated journey to self-realization._

Kanaya turned back to Karkat.  “I think so, too.”

 

~~~

 

The reception was a lively affair, though not everyone could muster the ability to keep their mind on dancing and such fun.  The wedding, while a lovely pinnacle to a strange week, marked the end of the week together.  Mom and Dad would leave on their honeymoon that night, and the rest of the wedding party would return to their own homes across the globe shortly after.  Thi was the end.  It felt more abrupt than anyone had really anticipated.

At some point during the evening, Roxy plunked herself down in an empty chair near Jane and Dirk.  “God, my feet kill,” Roxy lamented, massaging one of them.  She’d long since abandoned her high heels in favor of dancing barefoot, but even so, she’d barely sat down since that morning and found herself in need of a breather.

Jane giggled.  “Same here.”

“This was so much fun,” Roxy said with a sigh, surveying the crowd.

“That is was,” Jane agreed.  “It was nice to spend the week with everyone.  It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen you all together.”

Roxy nodded.  “It’s kind of weird thinking how we all grew up together, and now we’re all married to each other.  Remember the days when we thought Dave was gonna marry Jade?”

“Remember the days when you thought Dave was going to marry me?” Jane asked, laughing heartily.

“Please, Jane,” Dirk said.  “If Dave hadn’t broken it off when he did, I’d have broken off his knee-caps.”

Jane smacked at Dirk’s shoulder.  “I can take care of myself, buster, thank you very much.  Dave’s a perfect gentleman.  Most of the time,” Jane amended.

Roxy snorted.  “Yeah, okay.”

“I’m not saying he’s perfect!” Jane defended.  "We had a good run and it ended peacefully."

“How many fake girlfriends has he brought home over the years?” Dirk scoffed.  Both girls paled at the comment, recalling the secrets they had gleaned earlier that week.  Dirk caught the looks before they could school their faces and frowned.  “What was that look?”

“Nothing!”

“The twins from the Shining were less synchronized than you two.  You have a secret.”

“Pshhh!” Roxy objected, waving her hand.  “Whatever.”

“Kanaya’s a fake girlfriend, isn’t she.”

Roxy’s face fell.  “Yeah.”

Dirk scoffed, one corner of his mouth twitching up in amusement.  “God damn.”

“She was much more convincing than the others, though,” Jane offered.

“I’m not so much disappointed in myself for not catching that as I am impressed that they synchronized that so well,” Dirk said.  “Twin telepathy may not be real, but those two are a hell of a lot more alike than they realize.”

“Wait, what?”  Roxy’s brows furrowed in confusion.  “You lost me.”

“You don’t mean…” Jane’s jaw fell open.  “No.  Both of them…?”

Dirk nodded.  “Rose brought a gay guy to pose as her boyfriend.”

“Karkat’s gay?” Roxy exclaimed, trying to pick him out of the crowd.

Dirk snorted.  “Yeah.”

“Damn.  The hot ones really are all gay.”

“False, on the grounds that you’re married to John,” Dirk said.  “But that’s an entirely objective statement, because I’m not into straight guys.” 

Roxy giggled.

“So Dave and Rose both brought fake dates?  Why would they lie?”

“Have you met our mom?” Roxy and Dirk asked at the same time. 

Jane’s lips thinned.  “Valid point.”

“But if Rose isn’t dating Karkat,” Roxy began before trailing off thoughtfully.

“Yeah?”

Roxy gasped, her eyes widening.  “Rose isn’t dating Karkat!”

“Jane just said that, Rox.”

“Which means she’s single!”

“Are you getting to a point?”

“Kanaya has a thing for Rose!” Roxy exclaimed in a hushed tone, her mind suddenly racing with ideas.

“Wait what?”

Roxy nodded her head fervently.  “She does, we talked about it the day we went to get the sewing shit from Aradia!”

“Does Rose like girls?” Jane asked.

Dirk shrugged.  “She’s never really talked about it, but now that I’m thinking it, I’m like 99.98% sure she’s rounding out the Lalonde family sexuality bingo card.”

Roxy snorted with laughter.  “I miss you, big brother.”

Dirk shook his head, smiling at Roxy.  “As you should.  But Roxy, you’ve just had the perfect window of opportunity opened for your fabled matchmaking skills.  What are you going to do with it?”

“What’s going on, guys?” John asked, collapsing into a chair across from Dirk.

“John!” Roxy exclaimed.  “Where’s Rose?”

John frowned.  “They headed back to the house after Mom tossed the bouquet.  Their flight’s leaving in a couple hours.  Didn’t they say goodbye?”

“Shit!” Roxy wailed.  “Where’s Kanaya?”

John shrugged.  “I dunno, but I saw Dave at the bar earlier.”

Roxy took off in the direction of the bar in search of Kanaya.  John glanced helplessly at his sister.  “Anyone want to fill me in here?”

“Rose and Dave both brought fake dates to the wedding,” Dirk supplied.  “And Dave’s fake date has a crush on his real sister.”

“What? No way.”

“Come on, Johnny-boy, time to suspend your disbelief,” Jane said, standing and heading after Roxy.  “We’ve got a match to make.”

 

“Kanaya!”

Dave and Kanaya both turned as Roxy approached the bar, weaving and dodging drunken dancers on her way.  “Yes, Roxy?”

“Rose’s flight is leaving in, like, three hours.”

“O-kay…?”

“You have to stop her!” Roxy said, her eyes wide.  “You have to tell her how you feel!”

“Whoa, whoa, what’s going on here?  Dave’s in the dark,” Dave said, stirring his Jack and Coke.

“Rose isn’t dating Karkat!” Roxy exclaimed, holding Kanaya’s arms.

“She isn’t?”

“She’s not?”

“You both brought fake dates!” Roxy informed Dave, the grin on her face uncontainable.  “I don’t blame you because Mom’s an ass about that, which is why I’ve been married for six fucking years.  That, and I love my husband to pieces, don’t worry babe,” Roxy added over her shoulder to John after he made an indignant noise.

“Rose isn’t dating Karkat?” Kanaya asked.

“Karkat isn’t dating Rose?” Dave said immediately after.

“Yes, it’s the same no matter how you rearrange the words,” Dirk said drily.

“Can you honestly tell me that you can let her go, and go back to the other side of the country without telling her how you feel?” Roxy asked, looking Kanaya earnestly in the eye.  “Can you promise me you won’t be miserable if you miss this chance?”

“It’s a moot point, Roxy,” Kanaya told her, a sad expression on her face.  “It’s not just the other side of the country – it’s a different continent entirely.  I spent 80 percent of my time in Europe, and she teaches uni in Massachusetts.  There’s no way we’d never be able to make a go of it.”

“That’s quitter’s talk,” Roxy said, crossing her arms stubbornly over her chest.

“It’s practicality,” Kanaya said, but Roxy’s confidence on the Rose issue was inspiring some of Kanaya’s own.

“I gotta go,” Dave said suddenly, his expression stunned. 

Dirk lifted an eyebrow as his brother shoved his way through the crowd to the doors, then glanced at Roxy.  John looked completely confused.  “This is so weird and I have no idea what’s going on.”

Dirk patted John’s shoulder.  “We should be thankful we’re not single anymore.  You want a drink?”

“Kanaya," Roxy said, pressing onward. "Even if it doesn’t work out – do you want to live life with that slim, slim chance that you missed out on happiness?”

“Not really.”

“Then go tell her how you feel,” Roxy said, nudging Kanaya toward the door.  The tall brunette nodded, squaring her shoulders before heading outside.

Dirk waited a beat.  “You know that’s where Dave went too.”

“You think?” Roxy asked, still rooted where she stood.

“Obviously.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t tell me we’re not following them.”

“Of course we are,” Roxy said, casting her brother a haughty look.  “You know me better than that.  Let’s give ‘em a little while to try and figure it out on their own, though.”

Roxy wasted no time rounding up the rest of the family and explaining the situation.  She realized there was a chance she was jumping the gun in assuming both pairs would work out their feelings, but she had a gut feeling that everything had worked out just fine.

To Roxy’s surprise, Mom burst into laughter as soon as she heard the situation.  “Good,” she said finally, dabbing beneath her eyes.  “It’s about time.” 

“What do you mean, Roxanne?” James asked, just as confused as John had been.

“Jimmy,” she said, patting her new husband’s arm.  “Have you ever met my children?  Of course they brought fake dates.”

“But why?”

“Because they find I’m too harsh on them,” Roxanne sighed.  “That’s a mother’s job, after all.  Her children never understand that all she wants is for them to be happy.  They’ve been so very unhappy these past few years.  It serves them right that they’ve ended up in this predicament.  I’m just so pleased Dave’s found someone worth pursuing.  The boy was about to drive me mad with his string of Hollywood bimbos.  I told myself when he sent back that plus one that I was not about to pretend to like any more of them.”

“Really?”

Roxanne nodded, then tucked her teeth between her lips.  “Really though, after she proved so sweet and generous, pretending to dislike her was harder than pretending to like any of the others.  It’s hard to unsee her with Rose now that I’ve pictured it, though.”

“Right you are, Anne,” James said.

“You know,” Roxanne mused.  “I’ve always liked Dave’s boyfriends better than I’ve liked his girlfriends.  No offense to either of you ladies,” she said, glancing between Jane and Jade.  “But do you remember that Eridan fellow he dated in college?”

“Ugh, Mom, no,” John complained.  “Eridan was terrible.”

Mom shrugged.  “I liked him.  Very refined, that boy.  Maybe Karkat can teach Dave how to dispense with the niche humor and, god, the irony.  It’s always about the irony.  I never understood it.”

“And negate all my hard work?” Dirk asked.  “Damn, Mom, that’s stone cold.”

“I’m just saying, maybe Dave would make a movie that people would enjoy _and_ understand the plot of.”

“Let’s not get crazy, here,” Jane said.  “Karkat’s a professor, not a miracle worker.”

Roxy checked the time on her phone and glanced at Dirk.  “Think we’ve given them enough space yet?”

Dirk shrugged.  “If not, they need to work on their technique.”

 

 ~~~

 

Kanaya had taken a waiting taxi back to the house and found, to her surprise, that Dave was sitting on the hood of his rental car, staring at the front door.

“Dave?”

“Yeah,” Dave replied, not looking away from the house.

“Aren’t you going to go in?”

“I was.  Not quite as sure now.”

“Same,” Kanaya admitted quietly, leaning against the car Dave sat on.  “This is your fault, you know,” Kanaya continued after a moment.  “For dragging me here and not warning me how attractive your sisters are.”

Dave chuckled, finally glancing toward her.  “Yeah, well.  I’m just as fucked because my sister also brought home a hot, fake date.  We never stop trying to one-up each other, I guess.”

“At least we’re even.”

“I can’t tell what the bigger mistake will be.  Telling him how I feel, or letting him leave.”

“There’s no way we can know if we just stand out here,” Kanaya said.

Dave took a deep breath, steeling himself, then slid off the hood of the car.  “We’re doing this, then?”

Kanaya nodded.  “We’re making this happen.”

 

~~~

 

Rose was in the bedroom when she heard the front door open.  Thinking it was Karkat back from a trip to the car, she called out, “Did you find your jacket, Karkat?”

There was no response, but only a moment later, Rose was greeted by the sight of Kanaya in her doorway.  “Oh, hello, Kanaya,” Rose said, ignoring the strange flutter in her chest.  “I didn’t realize you’d be back so soon.  Is everyone with you?”

“No.  Rose, may I ask you a question?”

Rose furrowed her brow, tipping her head in consent.

“It’s about the other night.”

Rose’s stomach flipped.  “I’m so sorry, Kanaya, I was drunk, and I—”

“I know,” Kanaya interrupted, stepping in the door a little further.  “But in my experience, alcohol has one of two effects on a person.  One, it causes them to do things they very much regret later on, or two, it causes them to do things they very much want to do, but would otherwise never act on.”  Rose’s breath stopped in her chest as Kanaya took another step closer.   “I was just wondering which it was for you.”

“The second,” Rose whispered, surprising herself with her straightforward honesty.

Kanaya’s face lit with the smallest of smiles.  “I was rather hoping so.”

“Really?”

Kanaya nodded, tucking her lower lip between her teeth in a fashion Rose found maddening.  “I have a second question, in that case.”

“Anything.”

“May I kiss you back?”

Rose only nodded and met Kanaya halfway.  With their faces close, Rose couldn’t stop her hands from shaking.  Kanaya seemed just as nervous, but showed no hesitation as she delicately tipped Rose’s face up toward hers and graced Rose with the sweetest, softest kiss imaginable.  Kanaya broke it just long enough to say, “And for the record, I’m not actually dating your brother.”

“No string of words in the English language has ever made me so happy."

“As long as I’m coming clean, I might as well admit that I fancy men the same way I fancy my coffee.”

“You don’t like coffee.”

“Exactly,” Kanaya smiled, ducking down to kiss Rose again.

 

~~~

 

Meanwhile, Dave had been attacked by another bout of nerves as Kanaya headed up the stairs and instead found himself in the kitchen, stalling.  He’d braced his arms against the counter, head ducked low as he sucked in deep breaths and tried to calm himself down.  When the back door slid open, he spun, startled, and found Karkat altogether too close and too handsome.  “Karkat.”

“Hey,” Karkat said hesitantly, not looking at Dave.

“I—” Dave started, taking a step forward, before halting, not knowing what he was going to say.  He wanted eloquent.  He wanted showy.  He wanted goddamned sincere as hell and he didn’t care how unironic he sounded, he just wanted it to be the truth.  For the first time in his life, his mind was entirely blank.

“Look, Dave,” Karkat said, running a hand through his tousled brown hair.  “I wanted to apologize for how shit went down the other night.  It was the most dick move in the history of dick moves, and my dick was literally heavily involved.  I’m sorry.”

“No!” Dave blurted out, hating the pained look on Karkat’s face.  “No, I was an asshole to you.  I just panicked because I thought I betrayed my sister and-and I didn’t—I didn’t realize…”

Karkat’s face scrunched up in confusion.  “What?”

“No, I mean, obviously we fucked up, but we also didn’t really, we just thought that we did.  Because we both knew what the other one didn’t know, which was that it wasn’t actually a mistake.”

“Are you having a stroke?”

Dave let out a groaning laugh, running his hands through his hair.  “God, I suck so much.”

Karkat only quirked a brow at that.

“Okay.  I know you’re not really dating Rose.”

“Wait, really?  How did you—”

“Long story,” Dave said.  “All that matters is that… I did the same thing she did.”

“Explain.”

“I’m not dating Kanaya.  Kanaya and I are really good friends, but we’re not dating and we never have and we never will because she’s gay as fuck and probably upstairs making out with my sister as we speak.”

“What?”

“We didn’t have an affair, Karkat,” Dave said on a breathless laugh. 

 “What the fuck?”

“And as soon I realized Rose had pulled the same bullshit that I had, I had to come find you,” Dave continued.  “Because I… I couldn’t let you go without telling you, but I’m having a really time actually spitting it out because this is literally the most embarrassing thing I’ve said in my entire life, and I once accidentally honka-honka’ed Meryl Streep and tried to play it off as no big deal.”

“I saw that, actually.”

“It was weird.”

“I’ll bet.”

Dave shook his head suddenly.  “I’m trying to be sincere here and I’m totally fucking up.”

The hint of a smile played at Karkat’s lips.  “Yeah, but keep going.”

“I have been trying all week to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and I keep coming back to you.  I know the other night was… weird and complicated and we left on bad terms, but I literally can’t not think about you and your hot nerd aesthetic, and the way your face scrunches up when you concentrate, and the way you’re so much fucking smarter than me but you don’t treat me like I’m stupid, and the way you sound when you’re breathless from kissing, and this might be totally out of left field and unwelcome but I think I’m definitely completely in love with you.”

“Really?”

Dave nodded, his chest heaving from terror and breathlessness after that run-on sentence.  “I mean.  Maybe.  A little.  Or a lot.  I really would have to run a few tests to make sure, double-check, 100 percent--”

“Dave, shut up,” Karkat said.  Dave’s jaw snapped shut.  Karkat took three strides toward Dave and stopped when they were toe-to-toe.  “I think…” Karkat said slowly as he scanned Dave’s earnest face, “I love you, too.”

Dave’s shoulders slumped as he breathed a sigh of relief.  “Oh good,” Dave said, before he grabbed Karkat’s face between both of his hands and kissed him.


	8. Epilogue

6 Months Later – Los Angeles, California

The premiere of Dave’s fourth feature film, _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff: The Movle_ was an anxiously awaited date.  For most of the world, it marked the debut of yet another lurid, incoherent comedy from the illustrious Dave Strider, who was widely regarded as either a genius or a madman with little in between.  For Dave, however, the day before the premiere was the one he was looking forward to, as that would mark the first time since the end of summer that Dave would get to see his boyfriend in person.

Karkat and Dave had spent the rest of the summer getting to know each other, hiding out in Dave’s beach house north of L.A.  Karkat had summer classes to teach, but they were all online, so what got Dave through his daily work schedule was the thought that Karkat would be waiting for him when he got home.  Occasionally, when Dave couldn’t be assed to leave him behind, he’d take Karkat with him to the studio.  Karkat struck up an immediate friendship with Donny and Owen and sometimes made out with Dave in the editing booth.  Dave found this arrangement very agreeable.

When fall rolled around, Karkat couldn’t put off going back to Massachusetts any longer and Dave preoccupied himself from the empty spot in his bed by diving headfirst into promotional work for the film.  Even so, he lived for the evenings, when he’d take a break after dinner to Skype with Karkat before the professor went to bed.  If he hadn’t been certain before, he was certain after six months of constantly learning more and more about who Karkat was and what he was passionate about.

Dave was in love with him.  Simple as that.

 

On the other hand, Rose and Kanaya’s relationship had immediately started long distance.  Kanaya had returned to Paris shortly after the wedding, and while their Skype dates were difficult to juggle with the time difference, they made it work.  Late in the summer, Rose spent three weeks in Paris with Kanaya, during which time she fell in love with Europe, particularly when they took the Eurostar over to England and Rose visited Oxford University and the homes of all the authors she had loved so dearly growing up.  It inspired her to finish her novel, which was picked up surprisingly quickly by a smaller publishing company.  It was due to hit bookshelves the following summer, to Rose’s immense happiness.

Dave and Kanaya spent time preparing for the premiere, and Kanaya had her work cut out for her creating twice as many red carpet looks, as Karkat and Rose had long ago been talking into attending the premiere.  Dave had pulled some strings to get the premiere date bumped to the weekend after winter break began for Karkat and Rose.  The countdown to the premiere was excruciating, and when it finally arrived, Karkat and Rose had a hard time containing their excitement during their flight to Los Angeles.

Kanaya picked them up at the airport, because while she was famous, she was not mobbed by adoring fans or paparazzi when she went out in public.  Dave, with the close release date, had literally every eye in the country watching him, and thus could not be there to greet the East-Coasters.  Karkat was mildly jealous that Rose got to be greeted fresh off the plane with a kiss from her girlfriend.  _You’ll see him soon, Vantas, fucking chill_ , he told himself.  He jiggled his knee the whole drive to Dave’s apartment.

Karkat’s patience was very much rewarded when they arrived at Dave’s front door and the most famous man in Hollywood literally grabbed Karkat out of the doorway, pinning him up against the wall and smothering him in kisses and affection while Karkat kissed him back through an uncontrollable smile.  Rose and Kanaya watched amusedly until Rose finally convinced Dave to let them come inside before he ravished his boyfriend right there in the doorway for all the world to see.  Karkat winked at Dave, whispering that they’d pick back up on that after Rose and Kanaya had gone to their hotel.

In Dave’s book, that evening topped his list of Best Nights Ever.  No contest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fin.


End file.
